


Hyung, I Have A Secret

by NaturalOgre



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: And lots of kisses in general, Angst, Baekhyun is also wonderful, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oh Sehun-centric, also where do I find a friend group like this?, and don't get me started on Junmyeon, minseok is amazing and kind, sehun coming to terms with his sexuality, slowburn, so is Chanyeol but mostly he is WORRIED
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaturalOgre/pseuds/NaturalOgre
Summary: Sehun had gotten used to this negative companion inhabiting his thoughts. He figured it had always been there. It was what had told him he was weird for not showing interest in women, what had told him to not think further of it when another male student had made his heart beat so furiously he thought it might cause a heart attack because no, you’re not that broken, not that wrong. But Sehun was.In which Sehun comes to terms with his sexuality. TW for internalized homophobia.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 42
Kudos: 116





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic as an EXO-L so I really hope I didn’t mischaracterize them too much c’:  
> It’s also the first fic I’ve ever posted (I couldn’t find what I was looking for in the tags so I decided to write it myself lmao). I’d love for some feedback on how I managed to convey their personalities, especially their wordings during dialogue since I struggled a bit with picking what would sound most like their way of speaking. Anyway, I really hope you enjoy reading it!

It wasn’t hard for anyone to see that EXO absolutely loved their maknae. They were incredibly affectionate towards him, and despite Sehun being more than capable of looking indifferent in a lot of instances, sometimes pushing his hyungs away in a playful manner, the way his eyes lit up whenever he smiled around them didn’t go unnoticed either. They were a family, perhaps even something closer than that. No matter how it could be defined, Sehun just knew he was grateful for having these amazing people around him.

Being in something good also came with the fear of it ending, though. Sehun was a sensitive person, more so than he wanted to let on, and it wasn’t that rare for his facade to crack every now and then. He had cried in public on many occasions before; on stage, in interviews. He wasn’t a huge fan of it, but stopping his tears once they had already started seemed impossible most of the time. 

Thinking was the problem, specifically overthinking. Lots of events during Sehun’s childhood and teens had led him to establish this habit, but above all else, the estranged relationship he had with his own feelings enforced it. 

Feelings were often too complicated for Sehun to put them into order. It also didn’t help that the realization he was denying himself from having related to feelings that were deemed inherently wrong by his home country. It was painful and would be even more painful to explore, therefore, Sehun’s solution was to avoid thinking about it altogether. 

But a few years down the line, Sehun accidentally found himself thinking. 

He and Chanyeol had been livestreaming together and Sehun had blurted something out which, once again, made him question his own feelings. He had spoken of how seeing Chanyeol brought him a thrill of joy, immediately questioning why he would be feeling this way about another male afterwards. Chanyeol had brushed it off as Sehun ‘crazy talking’, and for the rest of the livestream, Sehun hadn’t thought any further of it either.

Then he was alone. 

He wasn’t really sure how long he had been thinking when the realization dawned upon him, but when it did, the first thing he felt could probably only be described as panic. 

Questions were forming in his head, worries. He worried about how everyone would react; from fans to his brothers in arms. What consequences it could have, and how it would likely affect not just him but the group as a whole. By the end of his thoughts racing, he was left feeling something he hadn’t for quite some time: strange, and like he didn’t belong.

Sehun was naturally shy, though, often it could come across as something more hostile even when it wasn’t. It took time for him to warm up to others and to trust them, and while fans got to see Sehun being close with his fellow EXO members, it hadn’t always been like that for him. As a kid, he rarely ever initiated conversations with others, and he also had trouble establishing friendships (something that made him even more afraid of losing those he had). Maybe his shyness stemmed from some insecurity which in turn stemmed from him feeling fundamentally different from those around him. It was a realization he wasn’t too sure what to do with. 

So there he was, feelings he’d had when he was younger starting to bubble up again, and the worst part of it was that he was  _ still _ just as alone with them as he had been.


	2. I'm Just Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As sad as this is, it's also very soft.

Sehun tried his best to appear as if nothing had changed, but his attempts weren’t really fooling anyone. He had taken a hard hit to his self-perception, and that was rarely something people could just brush off. 

The first day after his realization, Sehun had spent trying not to drown any further in his thoughts, sending fake smiles and attempting at laughs while simultaneously doing whatever he could for a distraction. It hadn’t worked though, and after that he only sank into himself more.

Baekhyun was definitely noticing the change, as was Chanyeol. Whenever Baekhyun went to cling onto Sehun, he wiggled out of his grip almost immediately, and the same had happened to Chanyeol yesterday. Surprising to the both of them, getting him to laugh - or even smile - was also near impossible lately.

The two men were sending each other glances, alternating between doing so and observing Sehun who was unusually occupied by the food on his plate. They were all aware of how he didn’t have that large an appetite, but today, it almost seemed to be worse than it usually was. A larger amount of food was left on Sehun’s plate when he decided to excuse himself, and now it wasn’t only Baekhyun and Chanyeol questioning what was off about the maknae.

“Is he okay?” Junmyeon found himself asking, his gaze moving from where Sehun had been sitting to everyone else. 

“He might be tired?” Baekhyun suggested. It wasn’t that out of the ordinary considering their busy schedules, and with another comeback on the horizon, everyone was working hard. Still, something also made Baekhyun feel like there might be more to the change in Sehun’s behavior than exhaustion.

EXO had been together for a long time now, and Baekhyun had seen how everyone reacted to the pressures of their careers. How Sehun behaved right now was more similar to how he had retreated into himself when first Kris, then Luhan, and finally Tao had left the group.

Chanyeol let out a low hum as he found his words but ended up deciding that he should rather save them for Sehun to hear since he was the subject. Besides, Sehun overhearing them worrying and speculating about what may be wrong would very likely only result in him pushing everyone further away. “I’ll check up on him,” was all Chanyeol ended up saying, a bit uncharacteristic for the otherwise loud and cheery male, but it spoke to how he had also picked up on the same sadness Baekhyun had. 

Junmyeon nodded. He was very close with Sehun, too, but Chanyeol’s ability to cheer others up was unmatched by most. Chanyeol and Sehun had also spent a lot of time together lately and that could potentially make it easier for him to get the younger to open up. In any case, it made sense for all of them to try in their own ways. 

“Call for me if hugs are needed,” Baekhyun was quick to add as Chanyeol stood up, and with a short laugh, Chanyeol confirmed he would do just that.

Chanyeol knocked on Sehun’s door, mostly just to alert him that he was coming in. There weren't really that many boundaries between the two of them anyway, so it was more a gesture of approaching carefully in this instance. “Hey,” he greeted. “What are you up to?” 

Sehun was sitting on his bed when Chanyeol walked in, looking up from his phone once he heard the other’s voice. “Just playing a game.”

The older nodded as he went to plop down next to Sehun on the bed. “We should play a game together,” Chanyeol proposed, though not much as a question. The beaming smile he was so known for was already lighting up his features. It was a gorgeous and infectious smile, part of what had earned him the title of being a happy virus.

There was a sudden and slight shift in Sehun’s posture as he brought a bit more space between the two of them. It pained him to push his hyungs away like this, but at the same time he was scared of what they would think of his affections once they found out what he had recently discovered, or rather, admitted about himself. Would they feel like he had been too close? Would it suddenly make them uncomfortable because he  _ could  _ have been attracted to them? There was no way of knowing in advance, and that only made it infinitely more terrifying.

After a moment's silence, Sehun was about to agree to Chanyeol’s suggestion, but Chanyeol’s tongue moved quicker than his own. 

“Are you doing alright?” the older asked. His smile was gone, substituted by eyebrows slightly pressed together and a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. It was Sehun's least favorite expression for Chanyeol to wear.

"Mm-hm," Sehun hummed with a not-so-convincing nod. What else was he going to say? There wasn't much he felt like he could say, at least not right now. He wasn't ready.

Chanyeol carefully observed the maknae as he thought. He was debating whether to let it go for now or if he should ask again. Instead, he decided it was best to let Sehun know that no matter what, Chanyeol would be there for him. 

"You know I love you, right?" Chanyeol spoke, even borrowing the wording from one of the many statements Sehun had made to or about his hyungs. "And it's fine if you don't want to talk right now, I understand, but if you ever do, I'm here."

That seemed to hit right where it needed to as Sehun bit the insides of his cheeks. He made the face he usually made when fighting back tears, then he gave up on distancing himself and leaned forward till his face was safely planted against the top of Chanyeol’s chest.

Chanyeol instinctively wrapped his arms around Sehun in a tight embrace, one of those hugs where the love and care behind it couldn’t be questioned. 

He gave Sehun's back a few light pats before switching to tracing circles onto the soft fabric clinging to the younger’s slim body. He wondered what was causing him so much distress, if anything had happened recently or if it was a product of constantly having to live up to the expectations of others. In Chanyeol's own case, the latter did manage to get to him every now and then.

Sehun sniffled and grabbed onto Chanyeol's shirt a bit tighter as his body trembled once again with another silent cry. He always felt like he lost control of his muscles when he was crying, especially when he was crying  _ like this _ . His face would contort in ways he didn't will it to, and his stomach would clench arrhythmically each time he breathed out. It was part of why he tried to hold back his tears for as long as possible, and in cases like this, why burying his face against Chanyeol's body was appealing for more reasons than just the comfort he provided. 

"It'll be okay," Chanyeol murmured against Sehun's hair, placing a soft kiss on top of the dark brown strands. While he had expected for something to be wrong, Sehun actually breaking down like he was right now surprised Chanyeol and worried him even more. "Have you talked to anyone about it?"

Sehun shook his head, really not trusting his voice to work properly right now. He felt ridiculous crying over something like this, even more ridiculous to be crying  _ this much _ . But perhaps it wasn't the realization he was crying over; perhaps it was the hardships he would inevitably face because of it.

There was no denying that gay rights weren't that far along in South Korea, and it would without a doubt hurt his and the others’ careers if this ever got out to the public. The easy response would be to not let it reach the public, but it still very well could. What hurt Sehun the most, though, wasn't how he would have to stress over hiding relationships, it was the thought that he might have to repress himself for the rest of his life so there was nothing to hide at all. He wasn't sure he would get to experience what everyone else around him would; love.

Chanyeol was growing more and more unsure of what to say or do to soothe his best friend. It was clear to him that Sehun's mind was strongly occupied by something, but he had no chance of knowing what was wrong unless Sehun actually told him.

"It's unfair," Sehun finally managed to get out between sniffles and ragged breaths. He felt like his statement was stupid and the voice crack at the middle of his words didn't help him feel any less pathetic either.

"What's unfair?" Chanyeol asked. He tried his best to keep from getting too emotional himself but it was impossible to not be affected by it when one of the people you love most was feeling this bad.

Sehun had to take a moment before he could respond to Chanyeol's question, and when he did, his voice was still laced with the same instability as before. "Just… expectations. I-I’m not what people want me to be."

Chanyeol nodded even though Sehun couldn't see him doing it. He briefly chalked the younger's statements up to being about insecurities relating to his abilities as an idol. Sehun often got the fewest lines, often didn’t feel like he did well enough compared to everyone else around him, and while Chanyeol had never seen him this sad about it, he could rationalize that everyone had their breaking point. Still, it felt like there was more to it, something much more integral to Sehun as a person.

“Hm… Maybe what they want doesn’t matter, though? What do  _ you _ want to be?” Chanyeol asked, his voice carrying an even softer tone now than before.

Once again, Sehun was silent for a while. He was unsure of what to say, especially since the person he was sitting across from was  _ Chanyeol _ , the guy he sort of admitted to having more than friendly feelings for a few days ago. The new context to his words could only bear consequences, Sehun thought. 

“Nevermind, it’s stupid,” Sehun muttered, about to pull out of Chanyeol’s embrace but finding himself still locked against the other’s chest. 

“If you’re sad about it then it’s not stupid.” Chanyeol had a certain determination in his voice and Sehun knew it would bear no point to argue against him. More likely than not, Chanyeol would end up eventually convincing Sehun that he was right anyway. 

Chanyeol’s hands ventured from Sehun’s back, one going to his hair and the other sliding down to pull him tighter against himself. Even though his resting bitch face often led people to believe otherwise, Sehun absolutely thrived off of intimacy like this. 

Parts of him wanted to crawl onto Chanyeol’s lap and just melt further into the touch. A stronger voice in his head called for him not to, though, saying it would be inappropriate now. Sehun had gotten used to this negative companion inhabiting his thoughts. He figured it had always been there. It was what had told him he was weird for not showing interest in women, what had told him to not think further of it when another male student had made his heart beat so furiously he thought it might cause a heart attack because no, you’re not  _ that  _ broken, not  _ that  _ wrong. But Sehun was. 

He realized it was himself thinking these things and that he should, theoretically, have the power and ability to just think differently. It wasn’t that simple, though. At this point, his conclusion was that he had always known, or at least always had an inkling that he wasn’t straight, but the denial he simultaneously felt had been stronger than his feelings of disgust towards himself. It was how he had pushed it aside so effectively and for so long. 

“I don’t know what to tell you, hyung,” Sehun admitted with a sigh. His crying had mostly come to a stop now, and while Sehun would have had himself believe he wanted to be alone, he was very grateful that Chanyeol was there with him. 

“That’s okay… Why do you think you’re not what people want you to be?” To Chanyeol, Sehun seemed rather against the idea of even hinting at what was bothering him. Chanyeol couldn’t really imagine why. He was under the impression that he knew most of what there was to know when it came to pretty much every member in the group, not knowing would be impossible after having been together for so many years. Yet, this was proving him to be very wrong in that assessment. 

Sehun tightened his grip on Chanyeol’s shirt slightly as he breathed out shakily. He was way too nervous to tell the truth but he also wasn’t sure what lie he could feed Chanyeol. Even the thought of lying to his hyung didn’t sit well with him. Omission wasn’t lying, though. “I’m just different.” 

Chanyeol wanted to ask more questions but the way Sehun further buried his face against his chest told him not to. The younger was clearly not in the right mindset for sharing anything right now, and Chanyeol knew he couldn’t force anything out of the maknae. Letting him sleep and returning to the subject tomorrow seemed like a better plan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sehun: "I'm fine"  
> Also Sehun: *goes on a 200+ words internal rant*


	3. Zoned Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hi, just wanted to say thanks for all the kudos!! I wasn’t expecting such a positive response so I’m super glad you guys like it ;-;

It should have been an ordinary week, month, even year, yet, Sehun found himself so hit off his course that everything got flipped upside down. His sleep schedule was a wreck, more so than usual, and at this point, what was going on around him had taken the backseat to the demeaning thoughts going through his head.

Sehun barely noticed how the sun was rising, too occupied by staring at the ceiling as he lay sleepless in his bed for yet another night. Why it was such a big deal to him, he couldn’t understand. It frustrated him to not be able to just let it go. He already knew what the easy answer would be, so why was it so damn difficult to simply accept what he had to do?

He had never been with another guy, didn’t know what he would be missing out on. If he decided to not engage with that part of himself then all of this would be over in an instant. Still, a part of Sehun knew this type of logic was flawed. 

An annoyed sigh left the maknae and he raised his hands to cup his face, pressing in on his cheeks as he frowned. Right now, he wished he could control his feelings just as well as he could control his body when dancing.

Sounds from the upstairs floor alerted Sehun that the others were starting to wake up. Had it already been that long? Checking his phone, Sehun almost wanted to cry when his lost sleep became even more tangible. There would be no point in attempting to sleep now, though, as the hyungs would likely come to wake him up soon anyway if he did.

Getting out of bed sucked, getting dressed sucked, and having to pull himself from his room to join the others for breakfast also sucked. At this point, he might honestly consider having someone knock him out just so he could get some rest or a break from his overly active brain. 

“Sehunnie?” Jongin said once again, only managing to get his attention now at the third attempt. It was a bit concerning but Jongin wasn’t sure he could draw any conclusions when all of them had just woken up. Yes, Sehun had been a little withdrawn lately, and while today seemed worse, the dark circles under his eyes indicated a very valid reason. 

“Huh?” Sehun uttered as he straightened his posture just a bit, looking to Jongin whom he had absentmindedly sat down next to upon his arrival. 

Jongin shot Sehun a smile and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Didn’t you sleep?” 

Sehun knew he looked tired so there really was no use denying how he had spent the entire night awake and unable to keep his eyes closed for longer than a few seconds. “I couldn’t.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have stayed awake together,” Baekhyun spoke from his seat opposite the two youngest. He made his usual pout, pretending to be hurt. 

“Ah, no! You laughing on your own is already loud enough,” Jongdae interjected with a whine, shortly after followed by Minseok’s agreement and Kyungsoo adding that he appreciated being able to sleep. Baekhyun could only really laugh at the reactions he got from the three others who were sleeping on the same floor as him, especially because he knew they were right.

“I think the dancing is worse,” Chanyeol said, a grin wide on his face as he entered the room. He sat down next to Sehun and gave his shoulder a short rub before reaching for a cup to pour himself some coffee. 

Ever since their talk, Chanyeol had paid even more attention to Sehun. It was a different kind of attention than usual, much more quiet and focused on comforting touches rather than trying to make the younger laugh at every chance he got. Right now, Chanyeol was entertaining everyone else, though. 

Sehun always wondered how Chanyeol could seem this awake in the morning. Not that he didn’t look tired or like he hadn’t just rolled out of bed recently too. It was all in the energy he radiated. So alive, unlike how Sehun felt right now. 

How did he feel? He wasn’t really sure he knew anymore. The initial panic and sadness he had felt was slowly turning into a numbness of sorts. Sehun still thought it was some flavor of being sad but it felt different. Like a tightness in his chest and stomach and like the muscles in his face suddenly didn’t work properly anymore. Even if he wanted to, he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to smile. 

Since Sehun still hadn’t made any move to grab some food for himself, Kyungsoo decided to fill his plate for him. This briefly earned him the attention of Minseok and Jongdae who clearly jumped into some silent conversation of sharing worried expressions with each other afterwards.

Honestly, what Sehun would have wanted most was to just be left alone in his own little world. He didn’t feel like trying to evade questions of what was going on with him, didn’t feel like even admitting that something  _ was  _ going on. Instead, he played into what they expected and began eating with little care for masking that he was tired; if they thought it was simply exhaustion, that might give him a break. 

Today was supposed to be spent on dance practice, something Sehun couldn’t complain about. It was easy to move his body to the music, easy to lose himself in it and not have to think too much about anything at all. Considering it further, exercise could be just the escape he was looking for.

The conversation of the others once again caught Sehun’s attention when Chanyeol’s loud laughter filled the room. It was accompanied by him slapping the table and Junmyeon trying to contain the rather physical reaction Chanyeol would nearly always have when laughing. 

“Chanyeol-ah, don’t break anything,” Baekhyun said through laughs, though, continued to make faces at the other. Enabling each other was another of their shared skills, probably another factor in why the two got along so well.

“I’m only surprised Chanyeol hyung hasn’t broken his own hand yet,” Jongin giggled. His hands had once again found Sehun, one resting on his shoulder and the other holding onto his arm. He was looking at him, almost as if expecting Sehun to laugh too. In a way, Jongin was both trying to cheer the other up as well as figure out if something really was wrong. 

Sehun forced a smile and something semblant of an amused sound. He didn’t actually know what was going on, though. Most likely, Baekhyun had said or done something ridiculous and Chanyeol had lost it, which was quite common for them. 

Chanyeol shrugged at Jongin’s comment once his laughter had died down a bit again. “I’m sturdy. Don’t actually test that, though.” 

“Oh, I see.” Baekhyun nodded thoughtfully. He would definitely have made another comment if Junmyeon hadn’t started going over their schedules for the day. Instead, he switched back to eating his breakfast.

It was easier for Sehun to focus on today’s plans, partly because he had to and because Junmyeon’s voice was always so soothing to him. When they were still sharing a room, one of Sehun’s favorite things was their late night talks. Just listening to Junmyeon’s voice in the dark. It was something he would miss every now and then. 

Sehun felt his mind slipping from the present and back to some of the moments he had shared with the leader. He didn't exactly understand why this trip down Memory-lane was triggered, but it was a welcomed change from what had been occupying his thoughts before. Sehun missed those times; they were so much simpler. 

***

Other than Sehun also being quiet during their breaks, dance practice had gone by as usual. It had been nice for the younger to lose himself in the physical activity, and for the first time in days, he felt normal again.

All of this, Sehun could describe it as being in his element. He doubted he felt it as strongly as Kai did, but the feeling was still very much there.

Hours had been spent by now, and they only had to go over the choreography one last time before they could call it a day. Despite Sehun really struggling to keep his eyes open at this point, he didn't want dance practice to end anytime soon, didn’t want to leave this peace of mind behind and trade it for whatever mess had been there before. In his sleep deprived state, he had wondered if it was possible to change who you were attracted to. The next minutes after that had been spent feeling stupid for even entertaining the thought. 

He was in the middle of debating whether or not to stay even after the others had left when Minseok snapped him out of his thoughts by placing a hand on his upper arm. The sudden touch startled Sehun, and when he looked down at the older, it was very clear to him why he was being approached.

Minseok attempted to maintain a smile but his tensed up eyebrows and lips gave away his worry. "You look very tired," he noted.

"I'm okay, hyung, no need to worry."

Minseok nodded but didn't make a move to leave. "Do you know why you couldn't sleep?"

Sehun had really dreaded when that question would come up, though, he also knew it was inevitable. He had tried thinking of potential excuses that were still true to some extent, but with his brain working at nearly less than half the speed it usually did, nothing had come to mind.

"No, I… I was just restless." Despite it being kind of true, Sehun still felt the same guilt he had felt when he didn't tell Chanyeol what was really going on. He was scared of being honest about this, though, and on top of that, he really didn't know how to either. How would he even go about telling them? Sitting everyone down and announcing it seemed a bit much and the thought of it alone was way too overwhelming for Sehun to even begin imagining how horrifying it would be in real life. As for telling the others individually, Sehun wasn't sure how to bring up the subject. It was both a mix of not wanting to spring it on the other guys but also an attempt at getting back his distance to the subject as a whole.

"You should take a nap once we're done here," Minseok spoke, and Sehun hated to admit how it took him a while to process the softly spoken words.

"I'm fine, hyung."

"You look like you could pass out any second, Sehun. And you haven't been eating a lot either; your body needs rest and energy." Despite Minseok not being the assertive type, in this case, Sehun knew the older wouldn't leave room for any buts. 

Before Sehun could protest, Minseok had already waved Junmyeon over, and as in denial as he was, Sehun expected he could talk his way out of it. Junmyeon only had to look at him once, though, before telling him to go rest.

"Don't try, you can't convince me you don't need to rest," Junmyeon was quick to say when Sehun made the motion to speak. 

Sehun sighed. "Okay, I'll go…"

"Can I go with him?" Minseok asked, subconsciously latching himself onto Sehun's arm. How affectionate everyone was only became so much clearer when a member wasn’t at their best.

Junmyeon nodded, feeling a bit guilty that  _ he  _ wasn't the one going with Sehun. The guilt was both prompted by his status as EXO’s leader but also because he deeply cared about the younger. His dancing still needed a bit more work than Minseok’s did, though, and so, it was only rational that Minseok was the one who got to leave early. "Yes, of course. You know the choreography, so take care of our Sehunnie."

Minseok nodded and promised Junmyeon that he would, maybe a bit too enthusiastically. 

But Sehun didn’t mind despite sometimes faking annoyance at his hyungs’ affections or pretending it wasn’t returned. Especially given how he was feeling right now. He wasn’t in the mood for joking around.

Minseok placed a hand on Sehun’s back and lightly nudged him to start walking.

Sehun's eyes closed nearly the second he sank into the softness of his bed. His thoughts were racing again, but his body was so,  _ so  _ tired. How he hadn't noticed it was this bad earlier was both a bit impressive and scary. 

"I can make you some tea?" Minseok proposed as he wrapped Sehun in his duvet. 

It was fairly obvious from the way his movements seemed so heavy that it wasn't Sehun's body but his mind keeping him up. Additionally, it wasn't just today the maknae had been mentally absent either.

Some time passed and Minseok was starting to doubt if Sehun was still awake, at least until he heard his voice. 

"Too tired," Sehun muttered, and a gentle laugh from Minseok followed. He expected Sehun to not realize he had been silent for nearly a minute before giving his reply.

"Mmn, I told you," he said, making sure one last time that Sehun was tucked in properly before turning off the lights and leaving once he was certain the younger had fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote most of this while being unable to sleep too, so eh, relatable lol. Except I'm gay as heck and very much at peace with that fact.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading and hope to see you at the next chapter too!


	4. Here To Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves c’:

Junmyeon nearly sat like a statue on the couch as he let his thoughts wander, silent and very focused. The silence caused Jongin to occasionally look over at the leader with a curious expression but Junmyeon didn’t notice.

What he was noticing, though, were the pieces of a bigger puzzle only he seemed able to put together.

Even though Chanyeol had initially been against the idea of letting anyone in on the private moment he’d shared with Sehun a few nights ago, he had eventually cracked and told Junmyeon of his worries and how they had only gotten worse after having spoken with the maknae. One of the things Sehun had said especially stood out to him, and he had shared that with Junmyeon as well. That appeared to be what made the realization click in Junmyeon’s head, and what made the string of occurrences that could otherwise have been brushed off as having no meaning come together.

This morning, Chanyeol had, once again, attempted to poke into what was going on with Sehun. This time, however, he was met with claims of everything being fine, accompanied by a fake smile from the younger before he left once again. 

Junmyeon had been present during the exchange and what stuck out to him was how much Sehun’s replies seemed like some overly rehearsed choreography. It was sad to watch, but it reminded him of a similar dance he had participated in when he was younger.

It wasn’t really something he had openly disclosed to the other members, but Junmyeon definitely wasn’t straight. While labelling himself wasn’t something he so actively did, if he had to pick, he would describe himself as bisexual. He was also fairly certain some of the others had picked up on this as well. Baekhyun had cluelessly observed his interactions with a past boyfriend, eventually putting two and two together. Jongdae and Kyungsoo also seemed to have figured it out, though, Junmyeon wasn’t really sure how. As for Minseok, the two of them had discussed the subject one night, and Junmyeon decided it was as good a moment as any for him to come out to the older. Minseok was the only member to explicitly know, though. 

“Hyung?” Jongin said after deciding Junmyeon had been staring into nothing for far too long. 

Junmyeon was startled at first, then smiled at the younger as he turned his attention to him. “Sorry, I got lost in thought.”

Jongin smiled back, moreso an amused grin than anything. “Really?” he inquired with fake skepticism. The sarcasm was gone again fast, though, as another question followed. “What’s on your mind?”

“Ah, I’m just going over something Chanyeol and I talked about this morning.”

Jongin felt fairly confident he could guess what the two of them had been discussing. His suspicion that it related to Sehun’s off behavior was only confirmed when the maknae simply walking past the open door of the living room had Junmyeon’s expression change completely from happy and relaxed to near-motherly concern. 

Sehun had been gone most of the day, deciding to practice on his own despite it being their day off. It was a normal occurrence so that part alone didn’t alert anyone. His silence, however, did. 

“I’ll go see if Kyungsoo needs help in the kitchen,” Jongin said before standing up. It was his way of giving Junmyeon a chance of approaching Sehun without feeling rude for abruptly leaving Jongin alone in the living room. 

Jumyeon gave Jongin a nod in acknowledgment and got up as well, predictably heading in the same direction Sehun had gone off in. 

The door to the younger’s room was left ajar while he went through the contents of his closet, already having found a towel when Junmyeon showed up. 

“Hi,” he greeted from the doorway.

Sehun’s head snapped in the direction of the voice and he couldn’t exactly feign surprise at seeing Junmyeon standing there. It was only natural for him to pick up on there being something wrong. They were close, had shared a room for many years. On top of that, Junmyeon was also an incredibly caring person to a point where Sehun sometimes wondered if he could read his mind. 

“Hey.” Sehun closed the doors of the closet and turned his body so he was now facing his hyung. 

“Is now a bad time?” Junmyeon asked, though, stepped into the room anyway in case it wasn’t.

Sehun shook his head with a “no, no,” as he put the clothes he had picked out in a pile on top of the towel. “Or, that depends on what you want?” 

Junmyeon couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him, immediately followed by a fond smile which he mostly reserved for only Sehun. “Go shower Sehunnie, I’ll wait here.” 

As Sehun left for the bathroom, Junmyeon took a glance around his room. Being here always reminded him of when they were roommates, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t miss their late night talks or cuddling in bed when one of them couldn’t sleep.

Nostalgia wasn’t really practical right now, though. Junmyeon still had to figure out a way to even bring up what he intended to talk about, especially since there was the chance that he was wrong about what was on Sehun’s mind. He had no intentions of panicking or offending the younger so it all had to be approached with caution. 

Actually, the more Junmyeon thought about it, the more nervous he felt. In case he had misread the situation completely and Sehun was indeed straight, how would he react to his hyung coming out to him? The thought that it might change things between them scared him. 

Almost as if on cue, Sehun returned from his shower when Junmyeon’s nervousness was at its peak. Where Junmyeon had been the one looking worried before, Sehun was now eyeing him like he was trying to figure out what was wrong.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Sehun asked, still drying off the strands of hair dripping small droplets of water onto his neck. 

Junmyeon nodded and patted the spot next to himself on the bed. “Come sit.” 

Sehun raised a brow, yet, came closer when Junmyeon patted the bed again. He sat down next to the other and ran the towel over his hair one more time before putting it to the side. Sehun expected Junmyeon to go the same route as Chanyeol had a few days ago, but how nervous the older seemed didn’t really line up with that. 

“I have something to tell you, something about me,” Junmyeon began, though, quickly interrupted himself to interject: “it’s nothing serious, don’t worry. I just think it’s time I told all of you.” 

Sehun nodded with an “okay?”, urging Junmyeon to go on and finding it kind of nice to have the focus shifted off of himself. Still, Junmyeon’s obvious anxiety didn’t sit well with Sehun, and he grabbed the other’s hand in an attempt at soothing his nerves.

Junmyeon smiled at the contact, and in a way, it did help him find his courage again. After all, this was something he was going to talk about not only because it felt strange to still be keeping it from the people closest to him, but also because he hoped to inspire the same kind of openness in Sehun, no matter what the younger was currently dealing with. 

“Did you know I used to have a boyfriend?” Junmyeon asked, managing to impress even himself with how he kept eye contact during the entire sentence. He still ended up averting his gaze, though. “Actually, I’ve had a few.” 

Sehun was silent, processing. This was probably the last thing he had expected to happen right now.

Junmyeon swallowed as his pulse picked up its pace. He knew it wasn’t like Sehun to reply to something like this right away, not until he had thought about it, but the wait still felt uncomfortable. Sehun tightening his grip on his hand, however, did not. It eased his nerves, assured him that whatever conclusion the younger was coming to in his head was probably positive. 

“When?” was all Sehun asked. Not because he didn’t believe Junmyeon, but because he wanted to know just how blind he had been during their years as roommates.

A melodic laugh followed Sehun’s question and another of Junmyeon’s hands went to clasp the younger’s. “Both before and after our debut. You never met any of them, though, and I was very secretive.” 

Sehun nodded, his eyes seeking slightly upwards in thought. Strangely enough, nothing in his mind was telling him that Junmyeon was wrong for this, none of the same words he was so used to hauling at himself. Maybe because he loved Junmyeon and couldn’t ever think of him poorly. 

There was a certain irony to it all. Humans had to be self-serving by nature in order to survive, yet, disliking yourself was even easier than disliking someone else. Thinking about everything you didn’t like about yourself could steal hours of your day, and once those hours had passed, the list would likely come out even longer than it had been originally. So maybe, Sehun’s problem wasn’t only his sexual orientation which he perceived to be a flaw, maybe he disliked himself in general. 

Junmyeon’s eyes were fixed on Sehun once again, as though trying to take a peek into his thoughts. He took it as a good sign that the younger hadn’t pulled away from him but he was still waiting -  _ hoping _ \- for Sehun to let him in on what was going on with him. 

“Was it nice?” There was a tinge of sadness in the way the question had been asked, and Junmyeon was starting to think that he had actually been right about why Sehun had suddenly withdrawn himself. 

“Yeah, it was… A bit different from the women I’ve dated, but not in a bad way.” 

Sehun went quiet again. He had never been in a relationship himself so he wasn’t really sure what to do with the comparison, though, he was curious about what more Junmyeon could and would tell him. It was something he wanted to try and wished he had gotten to experience already. Having gone twenty-three years as single, however, only made him more nervous in regards to approaching anything romantic or sexual with anyone. 

“Hyung?” 

Junmyeon let out an encouraging hum along with brushing his thumbs against the back of Sehun’s hand. While it was strong and firm, it somehow also managed to be delicate and elegant at the same time.

“I have a secret.” 

The smile Junmyeon wore softened and he reached his arms out to wrap them around Sehun’s upper body. “You can tell me.” 

Sehun loosely wrapped his arms around Junmyeon in return. His heart was beating so fast he almost didn’t know what to do with himself. “I like men too… I think I  _ only _ like men.”

“Is that what’s been bothering you lately?” Junmyeon asked. Oddly enough, Sehun still seemed unsure about it, as if it was new for him too. Junmyeon had expected him to have known for a while, expected that what had him feeling down was being in the closet.

A sigh left Sehun’s lips and he nodded. “I… Feel wrong.” 

The statement broke Junmyeon’s heart, but it was a feeling he understood. He had experienced it himself, and while it hadn’t been intense for long, being so very alone with all of these questions about yourself and worries of how the world was going to be treating you going forward had been awful.

Junmyeon tightened his hold on Sehun. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Sehunnie, absolutely nothing.”

“Others would think that, though.” Sehun squeezed his eyes shut as his breath trembled. He really didn’t want to cry but it seemed inevitable now. This was the moment where he would have to face his feelings and he knew that. 

“Not here. We love you, and you’re so,  _ so _ important to us.” By now, Junmyeon had let a hand slip up Sehun’s back to his head, tangling his fingers in the slightly damp yet soft hair. It was a fairly automatic gesture of comfort between the two. 

“I just don’t want to lose anyone,” Sehun whispered. His eyes felt like they were burning at this point and despite wanting to fight the tears, there was no winning that battle.

“What’s most important is that you don’t lose yourself. You’re not the problem, intolerance is-”

“That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though, does it?” Sehun really wasn’t proud of himself for interrupting, especially not in such an emotional manner. However, being calm and in control was no longer an option.

Junmyeon paused for a moment. Sehun was right that it didn’t take the pain away at all. Rejection was still rejection, no matter how good or bad a reason the person had. 

“I know…” 

“Hyung, I’m sorry,” Sehun spoke, finally lifting his head to look at Junmyeon.

A sad smile decorated the lips of the older as he reached out to wipe the tears from Sehun’s cheeks. “It’s okay. I’m worried about you, though. What have you been telling yourself?” 

“I don’t want you to know that...” Sehun’s eyes sought downwards again. Even thinking of letting Junmyeon in on what Sehun had been telling himself had the younger filled with guilt. He didn’t want Junmyeon to think he could feel that way about him too, because Sehun could never. 

“Why not?” Junmyeon let his hands rest against Sehun’s cheeks, gently cupping his face but not forcing him to meet his eyes. 

Sehun tried his best to still be audible despite how difficult the threat of crying made it. “Because it doesn’t apply to you.”

“But why do you think it applies to you, then?” Junmyeon lowered his head a bit in an attempt at getting a glimpse of Sehun’s facial expression. It was clear that he was doing his absolute best to keep himself from crumbling right then and there, so obvious from how his eyes were squeezed shut, the lines forming between his brows, and the quivering bottom lip he only managed to still by biting it.

After a while of silence, Junmyeon knew he wasn’t going to get an answer from Sehun. He was still fighting for his control of the situation, but Junmyeon wasn’t going to encourage him in bottling everything up again only for it to spill over once more later. That wasn’t the healthy way of dealing with things and it certainly wasn’t sustainable either.

Junmyeon pulled Sehun down on the bed with him, holding him as close to himself as he possibly could. He didn’t care how long it would take as long as he made him feel better eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So since rumors spread about Chanyeol I want to share some vids that discuss how the pictures used as ‘proof’ were edited. This is my attempt at cheering anyone up who may feel like this ruined their day or made them doubt their ability to judge character.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1d5J7gxXKU   
> https://youtu.be/QzF8xrsbc4M?t=73   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyuUkrOfaLE 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading! Comments and kudos make me very happy, so a huge thanks to everyone who’s been doing that. Hope you’ll stick around for the next chapter! <3


	5. Late Night Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title: shawty imma talk till the sun down   
> (okay sorry for the bad joke, hopefully the chapter makes you forgive me)

Somewhere during the crying, Sehun had managed to exhaust himself to the point of falling asleep. Like last night, he hadn’t had the best sleep this night either, and the lack of rest was catching up to him. 

Sehun blinked his eyes open, immediately followed by a complaint when he realized just how much his head hurt. Had he really cried for that long? Or maybe it was a mix of both the dehydration and lack of sleep that had resulted in his hellish headache. 

Junmyeon was still laying with Sehun on his bed, and at the sudden sound of displeasure coming from him, Junmyeon made a move to make the maknae more comfortable. Reaching for the nearest pillow he could grab, he propped it under Sehun’s head and readjusted the duvet he had covered the both of them with, before returning to their previous cuddling.

“Agh, my head hurts,” the younger grumbled against Junmyeon’s chest. Despite being the tallest, and therefore largest of the two, Sehun really enjoyed when he got to feel small with Junmyeon too. There was a security in being wrapped in his arms and held against his chest, probably further enforced by how Junmyeon had always been more muscular than Sehun had himself.

Junmyeon ran his fingers through Sehun’s hair a few times, as if he hadn’t already touched it on enough occasions to know exactly what it felt like by now. “We should get you some water. Otherwise, how are you feeling?” 

“Better… Thank you for staying with me, hyung.” 

The usual fond smile found Junmyeon’s lips while his focus remained entirely on Sehun. Leaving him alone was probably the last thing he wanted to do right now, so in a way, Junmyeon was grateful too; grateful Sehun hadn’t kicked him out. 

“If you want, I can spend the night here too?” Junmyeon offered after a short moment’s silence. He had to admit that he sometimes found himself being rather protective of Sehun, and in this case, there was no doubt his instincts to stay by the other’s side had kicked in. Sehun wasn’t alone, and Junmyeon so desperately wanted him to know and  _ feel  _ that.

“You don’t have to.” Even though the comfort was willingly being offered to him, Sehun still found it easiest to push it away. It was a habit of his, something he had done since childhood, but Sehun couldn’t place why, nor could he help it.

“I know, but I don’t mind. And I don’t want you to be alone either… I don’t want you to feel alone anymore.”

Sehun pulled away from Junmyeon’s chest to look up at his face instead. There was a very distinct sincerity in Junmyeon’s voice, and Sehun internally cursed himself for getting emotional all over again at the statement. 

“Let’s go get that water before I start crying again,” Sehun spoke, trying to push the feelings aside for now with humor. 

Junmyeon laughed softly before nodding at Sehun. “Yes, let’s do that. Dinner should be ready soon too… Promise me you’ll eat well tonight?” It might have been the worry getting to him, but Junmyeon was pretty sure he could see a shift in Sehun’s weight, which was quite concerning with how resistant his body already seemed to be when it came to storing fat. 

“Mmn, I will, hyung,” Sehun promised.

Junmyeon offered Sehun a bright smile and he was relieved to see it returned by the younger. He was taking it as a sign that their conversation had pushed  _ something  _ in the right direction, though, he also expected for Sehun to still have some work to do in regards to accepting himself. Junmyeon was patient, though. He wasn’t going to force the process or push for Sehun to adapt faster than he was ready for. He would, however, be there for every step of the way. 

Sehun sniffled once and sat up to rub his eyes. He expected them to be an instant giveaway, especially from how puffy the skin around them felt. Sehun’s eyes also felt irritated and dry, so there wasn’t a lot of doubting that he didn’t look great right now. 

“Be honest, hyung: how bad is it?”

Junmyeon pressed his lips together as he observed the younger, about to say something when the door to Sehun’s room was suddenly opened.

“Oh, so this is where you’ve been hiding?” Baekhyun asked from the doorway with a grin, though, the expression dropped when he saw Sehun’s face. “Sehunnie, have you been crying?”

Sehun didn’t know what to say, and he also didn’t get to say much before Baekhyun had joined him and Junmyeon on the bed. With how cuddly Baekhyun was, it was no surprise his first instinct was to envelop Sehun in a tight embrace, and usually, this method would help comfort him, though, currently that wasn’t the case.

Junmyeon was sitting up now too, expecting he would have to do some damage control on Sehun’s behalf judging by how uncomfortable, no, panicked he looked. The sudden interruption of their moment had likely thrown him off since he was still in the midst of processing everything. 

“Why were you looking for us?” Junmyeon asked, and Baekhyun’s lips went into an ‘o’ as he remembered he still hadn’t relayed the message he had intended.

“Oh, dinner is ready,” Baekhyun informed, pulling away from Sehun just a bit to look at Junmyeon. He considered asking what was going on but decided against it, instead saving the question for later. “Should I buy you two some time?”

Junmyeon nodded and Sehun relaxed a bit again. “Yes, please. We’ll be there in a bit. Thank you, Baekhyun-ssi.” 

Baekhyun simply smiled in return and crawled off Sehun’s bed again. “Of course. It’s no problem.”

Once Baekhyun had left, Junmyeon reached out for Sehun’s hand. “I’m not saying you should tell anyone right now, but Baekhyun knows about me. It’s safe to talk to him,” Junmyeon assured, and Sehun felt some relief at that.

He couldn’t help but also feel a sense of guilt, though. Guilt for the fact that he even doubted the people closest to him and whether or not they would accept him if they really knew who he was. This was where Sehun had to remind himself that it wasn’t doubt, though. It was fear, and fear was often irrational and disproportionate. 

“I thought you only told me?” 

“Well, Baekhyun actually figured it out on his own,” Junmyeon said, a slightly awkward laugh leaving him at the memory of  _ that  _ conversation. “I’ve only told you and Minseok, but I think Kyungsoo and Jongdae may know as well.” 

Sehun nodded at Junmyeon’s words. It was kind of interesting to him how Junmyeon didn’t know who knew, and maybe it was also further proof of it not being an issue at all when he could be so casual about it. No matter the case, it was admirable, and Sehun wished he could be this at peace with himself too.

“May know?” Sehun questioned with a quirked up brow and slight tug at the corner of his lips. His usual playfulness was thankfully returning, and as odd as it may sound, Sehun found he had missed himself - or this side of himself. 

“They always leave room for my future partner being male if we talk about such things.” It wasn’t a very definite way of displaying whether or not they knew, but Kyungsoo and Jongdae making sure to include the possibility was a gesture of acceptance in itself. A subtle approval, really. 

The anxiety which had been taunting Sehun the past few days was starting to die down a bit as Junmyeon continued to further prove that everything would be okay; at least it would be okay here. Sehun wasn’t sure about his biological family. He wondered if Junmyeon’s own parents even knew, and if they did, how they had taken it. For the older, he really hoped it had been a positive reaction. 

Sehun had heard way too many negative coming out stories and he was ready for a change in that narrative. He wasn’t entirely sure how his and Junmyeon’s relatively short conversation had managed to spark such a drastic change in his desire to alter his own perspective on himself, but the will to fight for his right to be Sehun, the  _ real  _ Sehun, was starting to burn within him. Junmyeon was right and Sehun was going to tell himself that until he believed it too. 

After Sehun had done his best to get rid of the puffiness around his eyes, he and Junmyeon joined the others for dinner.

Sehun was a bit surprised to see they weren’t  _ that  _ late, and he made a mental note to thank Baekhyun later. It probably also helped that Junmyeon was sticking to his side as if the two of them were glued together, effectively letting everyone know that whatever Sehun had been dealing with lately was now being addressed.

For the first time since his realization, Sehun actually felt like things were somewhat back to normal. Sure, Chanyeol looked curious whenever he glanced at Junmyeon and Sehun, but the concern seemed to be dying down a bit. Maybe it had to do with how visibly Junmyeon was taking care of him, never taking his hand off Sehun’s arm for long, or maybe Baekhyun had told them to give him some space. Either way, it was appreciated.

***

Despite Sehun having reminded Junmyeon that he really didn’t have to stay with him during the night too, he was glad the older had elected to ignore that. He had missed his presence, and when the first thing Junmyeon did as he crawled into bed was snuggle up to Sehun, he figured he had missed him too. Sehun felt a little stupid for not realizing it sooner, but at least the guilt of potentially being a burden was subsiding now. 

A comfortable silence laid upon the room, and after a while, Sehun felt Junmyeon’s eyes on him.

“What are you thinking about?” Junmyeon asked, prompted by how Sehun had been staring at the white ceiling above them for the past few minutes.

Sehun shrugged as best as he could with only one arm and shoulder free. “Just missed this,” he replied in a tone as soft as the one Junmyeon had spoken in.

Junmyeon hummed in response, not taking his eyes off of the younger next to him. “Yeah, me too.”

The confirmation was nice, and a gentle smile found Sehun’s lips as he rolled onto his side instead, facing Junmyeon now. “Thank you for today… And thank you for trusting me as well.” 

Sehun still remembered how nervous Junmyeon had looked before coming out to him. All tense and unable to figure out what exactly to do with his hands. How selfless and brave he had had to be to open up first about something this close to him spoke volumes in regards to how much Sehun mattered to him.

Junmyeon returned Sehun’s smile and allowed for his hand to rub the younger’s upper arm a few times. They were used to being intimate, but this moment was probably closer than any they had ever shared before. “If it helps you feel better then it’s always worth it.” 

Sehun suddenly let out a laugh, nudging Junmyeon’s shoulder playfully with a grin still displayed on his face. “That’s so cheesy, hyung.” 

“I mean it,” Junmyeon insisted, laughing too as he pulled Sehun tighter against himself in a hug. “All of you; you’re family.” 

“Mmn,” Sehun agreed. He didn’t waste any time before burying his face against Junmyeon’s shoulder, the spot almost like it was made for Sehun’s head to rest there.

Once again, it was quiet for a small while, and Junmyeon considered if he should let Sehun fall asleep or return to what they had talked about earlier. The younger definitely seemed to be in a better place mentally, and Junmyeon figured that might make it easier for him. At the same time, though, he also didn’t want to risk bringing Sehun down again, especially not when this was the first time in a while where he had returned to behaving like he usually would.

Some of the slightly incoherent sentences Sehun had managed to get out between sobs during their earlier conversation had worried Junmyeon, though. He had known Sehun long enough to also know he wasn’t the type to deeply discuss his feelings. Sure, he had let him know in the past when he was feeling nervous or sad, but there were still a lot of things about Sehun’s inner life Junmyeon didn’t know about. 

“Sehunnie?”

Upon hearing Junmyeon’s voice again, Sehun peered open his eyes to look at the older. “Yeah?”

“When did you figure it out?” It was only the start when it came to putting all the pieces in order, but from his own experiences, he knew it was an important question. 

Sehun pursed his lips as he thought the question over. It shouldn’t be complicated to answer, but it honestly was. Sehun couldn’t give Junmyeon an exact date or anything like that, not even a year. Maybe the mess of thoughts surrounding his identity were what Junmyeon wanted to hear about, though. 

“I… didn’t really think ‘that’s what I am’ until recently,” Sehun began, his eyes seeking upwards as he formed his words, “and I guess I recognized the feelings before but just didn’t acknowledge them? I didn’t want to admit that I’m, you know...” 

“Gay?” It saddened Junmyeon that Sehun wouldn’t even use that word to describe himself. He wondered just how much negativity he associated with it, who put it there, and how much of it he was pushing onto himself. 

“Yeah… Anyway, when it really hit me was after the livestream with Chanyeol-hyung.”

“Wow, that’s… recent,” Junmyeon spoke to which Sehun nodded. They could both agree he hadn’t had a lot of time to process everything.

“What about you, hyung? You said you dated before, _ and _ you made it sound like you’re experienced.” Sehun couldn’t avoid grinning at Junmyeon, mischief in his eyes as he knew the older hadn’t intended to make it sound like he was some serial dater. His wording had managed that, though, and when Junmyeon panickedly assured Sehun he hadn’t dated  _ that  _ many people, Sehun laughed. 

“I had a ‘thing’ with another guy from school just before I became a trainee, but it wasn’t official and also ended around that time. But I’ve known for a while, yeah. I think I was thirteen or fourteen when it occurred to me that I’m interested in men too. Before that, I always thought those feelings were just strong feelings of friendship, or even competitiveness, since I didn’t know it was possible to like both men and women at the same time,” Junmyeon explained, and even though Sehun didn’t say it, it was obvious that parts of his story were recognizable to him as well. 

Sehun hadn’t really had the time to think in depth about the friendships he had had when he was younger, mostly occupied by freaking out over how everyone in his present life would react, or even wondering if there was a way to change this aspect of him. It was familiar, though; the feeling of getting very emotionally invested in a friend and being entirely unable to place  _ why  _ or what the feeling even  _ was _ . 

“How did you feel about it when you figured that part out, then?” Sehun imagined Junmyeon had felt like he didn’t belong either but he really couldn’t imagine a version of Junmyeon who didn’t like himself. 

“I think I was mainly scared of what others would think if they found out.” Really, what Junmyeon had done at the time was decide to save his worries for later and instead stick with being secretive. When he reached adulthood, though, he suddenly found himself not caring anymore. While the process had still been riddled with anxiety and various other feelings, it had been calm compared to Sehun’s current experience.

Sehun let out a small sigh and, despite it seeming rather impossible by now, cuddled closer to Junmyeon. “I don’t really talk about this but… people weren’t always nice to me when I was younger.” 

It was surprising to Junmyeon that Sehun brought it up himself, and in a way, he felt proud of him for doing so. “Do you think that’s why you feel the way you do?” 

“Yeah,” Sehun said, followed by a slight nod. He wouldn’t say he was bullied or anything like that, but whatever his experiences were, they had obviously still left a negative mark on him and his way of thinking. He always found himself trying very hard for others, wanting their approval and feeling somewhat crushed when he fell short of anyone’s expectations. However, he sometimes found himself doing the opposite as well; pushing others away and rejecting them before they got a chance at rejecting him. In all honesty, it was confusing to even himself.

“They were obviously wrong to treat you poorly. You’re so good, you  _ deserve _ so much good in life,” Junmyeon spoke, his voice soft, yet, his statement firm and unwavering. He didn’t consider himself easily angered, but stuff like this got under his skin. The world needed to do and be better for everyone living in it. 

“I don’t know if I do, but I must since I’m lucky enough to be here with all of you, doing this for a living.” Sehun didn’t know what planets had aligned for fate to work in his favor, but he couldn’t have asked for more. This was where he was meant to be.

“You deserve it,” Junmyeon said again, nodding slightly before a yawn left him and he suddenly realized how intense the tiredness that had crept up on him was. 

Sehun’s lips moved into a gentle smile, and he lightly traced his fingers over Junmyeon’s back. “We should sleep.” 

“Yeah, we should.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I want to mention that I’ve taken some creative liberties in regards to Sehun’s childhood and the roots of his (in this fic) internalized homophobia. I don’t actually know if he went through something like this in real life.  
> Anyway, I hope you guys liked this chapter as well and enjoyed reading it! Comments and kudos put a smile on my face, so thank you <3  
> Hope all of you are safe out there and doing okay despite these weird times!


	6. Not So Bad

Sometimes, feelings really made no sense. Sehun was still keeping a distance to pretty much all words pertaining to his sexual orientation, yet, at the same time, a growing curiosity was also lurking in the back of his mind. He wondered about all the things he had denied himself, all the thoughts he had pushed away. How many guys had he actually had crushes on without noticing? How would it even be like being with another man? 

He was no longer entirely rejecting this part of his identity, but that left room for so many questions he couldn’t possibly answer with his rather non-existent experience. The curiosity was probably also intensified by the fact that Junmyeon had experience, which meant Sehun had someone he could ask now - he was no longer alone with this huge mess, no longer forced to put everything into order all by himself. 

Due to their hectic schedules, Sehun and Junmyeon had yet to continue their conversation from a few nights ago, but strangely enough, Sehun actually found himself feeling fine. His thoughts weren’t racing anymore, trying to find solutions it couldn’t because, one, they didn’t exist, and two, the problem also didn’t exist. It was peaceful in a way Sehun had forgotten his thoughts could be. 

Sehun was the second to return to the dorm that evening, unsurprised when the first thing he heard upon letting himself inside was Baekhyun singing like his life depended on it. Many would probably agree that ‘loud’ was a word that could be used to describe Baekhyun, but Sehun couldn’t ever think of that as a negative trait. Without Baekhyun around, it was way too quiet. 

Baekhyun could be heard laughing and then talking, and Sehun figured he had been livestreaming to entertain himself while everyone else was away. 

“Sehunnie!” Baekhyun’s face lit up considerably when he spotted the maknae entering the living room, almost as if he had been waiting for him specifically. “Come say hi.” 

Sehun returned Baekhyun’s smile, and while it didn’t look as enthusiastic as the older’s, he knew it was just as fond. While he may not express it so clearly at times, Sehun felt deeply, and Baekhyun knew that. 

He took the seat next to Baekhyun and waved at the camera, greeting the fans before letting his eyes wander to the comments. He hadn’t really been online much after his livestream with Chanyeol, too busy with his thoughts to check up on what was happening around him, in the industry, or even what people had been and were saying about him. 

It was mostly the type of comments Sehun was used to, though, some were also asking about him and what he had said to Chanyeol the other day. Thankfully, it was easy to just not reply. 

Baekhyun had been in the process of wrapping up the livestream before Sehun made his appearance, so soon, the two of them were by themselves with no eyes watching their every move.

“How was your day?” Baekhyun asked after having closed the lid of his laptop. He had turned to face Sehun now, and something about his expression told Sehun that the older had a motive. 

“Alright. Probably more eventful than yours, hyung,” Sehun replied, grinning back at Baekhyun who was deciding to cuddle against the younger.

“Just alright?” he asked. 

Sehun shrugged. “Alright or good, whatever you wanna call it.” 

A smile lit up Baekhyun’s features. “That’s good, I’m happy to hear that. I was a bit worried, you know… You seemed so down lately, and then there was that time with Junmyeon, and you had obviously been crying...”

“Yeah…” Sehun reached for Baekhyun’s hand and grabbed it, holding it tight and secure as if his grip on the older’s hand was somehow a direct representation of how he was doing better. “I had a lot on my mind, but Junmyeon-hyung helped me sort through some of it.” 

“If you need to talk about it still, I’m all ears.” Baekhyun rested his head on Sehun’s shoulder. “Or maybe not  _ all  _ ears, but I’m here.” 

Sehun laughed, soft and short. “Thanks.” He hadn’t really been considering it much before, but right now it just sort of felt  _ right  _ to tell Baekhyun. Especially because he already knew about Junmyeon and accepted him. It couldn’t go wrong. 

Baekhyun also looked expectant, and while turning down Sehun’s own puppy eyes and cute expressions when trying to get something was difficult, turning down Baekhyun could be damn near impossible.

“So, I like men,” Sehun blurted out. Not as elegant a way of coming out as he had wanted it to be, but oh well.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they like you too,” Baekhyun said, unable to contain the smile widening on his lips. He gave Sehun’s hand a squeeze and leaned further against him. “But I guess I  _ should  _ have taken it seriously when you said that on stage last year, huh?” 

“I probably should have too,” Sehun agreed with a chuckle. He was grateful for how easy talking to Baekhyun was. Somehow, he always seemed to know exactly what to do to make others comfortable in a conversation; knew when to be serious and knew when to crack a joke to lighten the mood. 

“Why did it make you so sad, though?” Baekhyun asked, and Sehun could tell he was treading more carefully now. 

The younger one let out a sigh and looked down at his and Baekhyun’s hands. “I thought I shouldn’t be feeling this way and that it was wrong of me. And then I got scared, too, of losing everyone.” 

“You’re not wrong,” Baekhyun spoke reassuringly. “And you’re not weird or broken either. Everyone who would say you are,  _ those _ are the people with a problem. How can they hate someone just because of who or what that person loves? As far as I’m concerned, you treat people way better than some guys treat their girlfriends, so I think  _ they _ should take a look at  _ themselves _ .”

Sehun didn’t know how to respond at first, too overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions to really pick his words. “You sound like you’re ready to fight someone, hyung.” 

“For all of you, I am,” Baekhyun said before wrapping his arms around Sehun and pulling him in for a proper hug. “No one’s allowed to hurt my friends.” 

Sehun smiled as he rested his head on top of Baekhyun’s. “Thank you.” For once, this was easy to talk and think about, and Sehun felt he owed a lot of that to both Baekhyun and Junmyeon. “I love you.” 

Baekhyun rubbed Sehun’s back a few times. “I love you too. And thank you for trusting me with this.” 

*

Junmyeon didn’t come home till after dinner, and by then, he was exhausted and ready to just crawl into bed and call it a day. Still, he felt like he needed to get more things done before he could do that.

It sounded like most of the others were resting by now, seemingly watching a movie in the living room judging from what left the speakers. On any other occasion, the leader would have joined them, but lately, he found himself rather caught up in all of his obligations, unable to ignore the voice in the back of his head nagging him to work harder, to work  _ more _ . 

Junmyeon slipped past the living room and towards his own room to finish the work he had deemed too important to not take care of today. And maybe get a headstart on the work for tomorrow. Maybe even finish that, too. 

“Junmyeon-hyung? You’re staring,” Sehun spoke from the doorway of his own room. He hadn’t heard the other returning and was originally on his way to the kitchen for a glass of water, but Junmyeon was more important now. 

“Oh, yeah. I got lost in thought.” To be honest, Junmyeon hadn’t even noticed he had stopped walking when he began the familiar process of justifying an unreasonably large workload. It was how that usually went.

Sehun nodded as he did a quick scan of Junmyeon’s features. He looked tired, but it wouldn’t be the first time he overworked himself. It also wouldn’t be the first time Sehun told him to take a break. “Come, you need to rest,” he offered as he reached out a hand, and Junmyeon couldn’t possibly resist grabbing it. 

He followed Sehun to his room and sat down on his bed when that was the first place the younger led him to. Junmyeon wasn’t surprised by the music playing at a low volume in the background as Sehun usually didn’t like silence, and since music was such a vital part of all their lives, feeling like something was  _ missing  _ whenever nothing was playing was probably a feeling all of them could relate to. 

After having grabbed his phone, Sehun went to join Junmyeon on the bed and immediately pulled up a photo his mom had sent him of Vivi. “It’s his new favorite place to sleep.” 

Even though it was a fairly subtle gesture, Junmyeon had always understood that this was one of the ways Sehun showed his affection. He included people in small, seemingly unimportant things from his own life, or saved something he saw to show to them later if he thought it would make them happy. It might not look like it from the outside, but it was intimate. 

The smile already on Junmyeon’s lips brightened as he leaned against Sehun’s shoulder to get a better look at the phone screen the younger was holding in front of him. “He’s really grown since I last saw him.” 

“Yeah, he’s fully grown now,” Sehun said, the same kind of pride a parent would hold for their child in his voice and expression. Vivi did feel like his baby, though. 

“Really? It’s been that long?” Junmyeon questioned and immediately turned his head to look at Sehun who was a bit closer than he had previously realized.

Sehun quirked up a brow before cracking into an amused smile. “It’s been more than a year, Junmyeon-hyung.” 

It didn’t seem right for it to have been such a long time since little Vivi was first introduced, but thinking it over, Junmyeon concluded that, yes, it had been. Losing track of time was so easy when constantly busy. 

Sehun set aside his phone and instead laid down next to Junmyeon who also didn’t stay seated for long without the support of Sehun’s body to lean against. Maybe he was more tired than first anticipated, and maybe Sehun had been entirely right to pull him in here to relax.

“Are you falling asleep?” the younger asked. He was lying on his side and facing Junmyeon, reaching out a hand to grab affectionately at his shirt before eventually letting his hand trace circles onto the fabric above his stomach. 

Not letting out a content breath was kind of impossible, and Junmyeon found himself melting under the touch. “Should I be?” 

“Probably, yeah,” Sehun said, a small giggle escaping him. Today, it was a lot easier getting Junmyeon to rest than it usually was. But Sehun found that a lot of things were easier with Junmyeon lately, and not because they had ever been difficult, but because opening up had brought them even closer than they were before. 

“If you’re fine with me staying, then I just might.” Junmyeon was beyond the point of fighting back his yawns now, and when Sehun yawned too afterwards, Junmyeon couldn’t help but smile. 

“You’re gonna make me fall asleep too, hyung…” Sehun mumbled, already closing his eyes and moving closer to bury his face in Junmyeon’s hair. 

Junmyeon rolled onto his side too and wrapped both his arms around Sehun’s slender body. “Someone should turn off the lights… And the music.” 

Sehun was stuck thinking for a while. He didn’t want to leave the bed, and he especially didn’t want to leave the comfort of Junmyeon’s warm embrace. “Hm, who do you think is most likely to do it for us if we call them?” 

“ _ Sehunnie _ ,” Junmyeon laughed. “That’s a bit sad, isn’t it? But Minseok, definitely.” 

“You’re enabling me?” Sehun questioned, unable to contain his laughter now too. Junmyeon was usually the voice of reason, or at least by comparison, but moments like these where the older let go were cherished by them both.

“Well… I’m too tired to get up, and you probably don’t want to. And even if you did, I don’t want you to leave me,” Junmyeon reasoned, his eyes long since closed and his words spoken at an unwillingly slowed pace.

Sometimes, simply being in Junmyeon’s presence felt validating, especially when he made statements like  _ that _ . Sehun wasn’t sure it was possible to feel more at home with a person than he did with Junmyeon. 

“What if it’s only for a few seconds?” 

Junmyeon shook his head. “Too long.” 

A sound between a breath and a soft laugh left Sehun. “Okay, I’ll call Minseok-hyung, then.” The younger pressed a kiss to the top of Junmyeon’s head and was about to turn in order to grab his phone when Junmyeon suddenly tightened his grip around him. 

“Wait,” Junmyeon uttered, and as Sehun looked back, he realized he had opened his eyes as well. 

“Wait?” He wasn’t really sure why Junmyeon seemed to have changed his mind within a split second, and Junmyeon wasn’t so certain of that himself either.

Why  _ had _ he even asked for Sehun to wait before calling Minseok? Junmyeon could almost feel his own brain restarting. 

“I missed you,” was the reason he settled on. Because it was true. He had missed Sehun and he didn’t want this moment to stop yet. 

Sehun settled back down with his face a few inches from Junmyeon’s. It was kind of a miracle their noses weren’t touching.

“Tell me about your day,” Junmyeon half-whispered, fully occupied with looking into Sehun’s eyes, alternating between that and studying his features despite having done so countless times before.

For some reason, Sehun found himself looking down after a while of locking eyes with Junmyeon, and even stranger, he also found himself feeling  _ nervous _ . “I, eh, didn’t do much after coming home. I talked with Baekhyun-hyung, then we played a game. After dinner, I went in here to relax.” 

“Talked? As in…?” 

“I told him,” Sehun confirmed with a nod, once again looking at Junmyeon. He felt kind of proud of himself for coming out to Baekhyun like that. Like it wasn’t a big deal and like it hadn’t been freaking him out for days. And then discovering that it wasn’t at all as scary or bad as he had first feared. It was kind of amazing. 

Junmyeon’s face lit up instantly as if some newfound energy had suddenly sparked through his body and woken up every part of his system, which was undeniably about to fall asleep before. “That’s fantastic! I’m so proud of you! And you’re feeling okay?” 

“I am.” Sehun hadn’t anticipated just how good that would feel to say, but it genuinely made him feel like he was making progress. Admittedly, there still was a risk of him freaking out in the morning when he  _ really  _ realized what yet another person knowing truly meant. There also was the risk of it flipping the second his brain found an excuse to overthink. So while he wasn’t entirely stuck in his pit of self-loathing anymore, his feelings were ambivalent, and that meant dealing with the occasional, and rather prominent, negativity still. 

But all of that could wait till tomorrow. Sehun refused to have his moment ruined. 

“What did he say?” While Junmyeon obviously knew Baekhyun wouldn’t have a problem with Sehun, or any other member being attracted to men, he was still curious. 

“That he’s sure men like me too,” Sehun said, a short laugh following. “We also talked a bit about when I knew, if I’d ever been with another man, that kind of stuff.” 

“I’m really glad you told him. And that you’re okay you told him.” Junmyeon gave Sehun’s upper arm a light squeeze and the younger instantly returned the fond smile he was being sent. Maybe everything would be alright after all, and maybe this wasn’t as bad as Sehun had originally thought.

“I kinda wish I knew sooner, though… I’m behind on so much.” It was difficult to not feel like he had missed out, because in a way, he had. Sehun hadn’t gotten the chance to experience dating beyond the relationships he had forced himself to try out with girls, and  _ that _ had ended fast. 

Really, all of Sehun’s romantic experiences had been faked for the sake of the cameras whenever he was shooting a drama, and that made him wonder if it even counted as experience. The closest Sehun got to what he would count as being actual experience was probably the time he kissed Yixing during the pepero game. 

His heart had been beating so fast afterwards, and Sehun remembered feeling so wrong for reacting like that to kissing his  _ friend _ , another  _ guy _ . 

It had been safe, though, and now, Sehun was actually kind of glad his first time kissing another man had been with someone he trusted and was close with. 

“I can’t say I understand it fully, but, you know, it’s okay not to have a bunch of experience. You’re still very young, you have time to catch up all you want.” 

Sehun pouted, not super pleased with the words Junmyeon had to offer despite them being entirely true. “Right, but with who? And if it gets out it would be a scandal.” 

Junmyeon frowned, pursing his lips as he tried to figure out what to say. “Other idols, maybe? They would understand, and there would be fewer people questioning how or why you know each other.” 

“Maybe… It’s just scary,” Sehun admitted. Sometimes, it was easy to forget just how shy he actually was since he was so close with everyone in EXO. Put him together with strangers, though, and every possible wall he could put up to protect himself was back. 

It was easy to understand, though. The longer jumping into that one scary thing was postponed, the scarier it became. 

“My experience pretty much boils down to that time I kissed Yixing-hyung.”

Junmyeon didn’t know what exactly had possessed him, but by the time he got to really think over his words, he had already said: “I wouldn’t mind if you kissed me.” 

Even though it was only a silence lasting mere seconds, Junmyeon already felt like an idiot for blurting something like that out. Had he scared Sehun by offering to kiss him just like that? And why did offering come so easy to him in the first place?

Before his panic pushed him to retract his statement, Sehun inched closer and gently bumped their noses together. “Okay.”

Junmyeon felt more nervous than he would have expected to, but so did Sehun, and it was obvious to the older. He wasn’t moving any further, and this was where Junmyeon figured he probably wanted  _ him  _ to make the move, otherwise, it wouldn’t happen.

Perhaps, the thought of what he was about to do should feel weirder to Junmyeon than it did, but how could it when he and Sehun were so comfortable with each other? Placing a hand on the small of his back felt entirely natural to Junmyeon, and so did tangling his fingers into the dark brown hair atop Sehun’s head. Even leaning in, closing his eyes, and getting rid of the last inch between their lips felt natural.

Sehun also wasn’t uncertain for long before he began reciprocating the movements of Junmyeon’s lips against his own, and yep, this was definitely different from anything he had ever tried before. Until now, the emotional aspects had always lacked.

At first, Sehun’s hands had been resting against Junmyeon’s chest, but as the older had pulled him closer and tightened his grip on his body, Sehun found his own hand grabbing onto Junmyeon’s upper arm while the other grabbed a hold of his shirt. 

Had he been more awake, Junmyeon would likely have picked up on how he was getting carried away. Right now, though, he was too tired to reason against parting his lips, too tired to resist lightly tugging at Sehun’s bottom lip and hope for permission to deepen the kiss. 

Sehun let go of Junmyeon’s shirt and instead placed his hand on his cheek as he parted his lips too. While also tired, Sehun was definitely awake and registering  _ everything _ . His heart was making him all too aware of its presence, but despite slightly freaking out over what this could mean for their friendship, Sehun couldn’t bring himself to stop kissing Junmyeon either. 

Kissing Junmyeon was a bit different than what Sehun had expected. He had expected him to be slower, more gentle, but the way Junmyeon held onto Sehun and tangled their tongues together felt almost demanding, and Sehun had to admit it was actually kind of hot. 

Unexpectedly, a small sound left the younger, followed by a similar one from Junmyeon whose hands were now roaming and occasionally grabbing whenever they decided to stop. It wasn’t until he had moved on top of Sehun and nearly pinned him to the bed that realization struck, and Junmyeon immediately pulled away with bright red cheeks and uttered a: “sorry.” 

Sehun unwillingly opened his eyes again to look up at Junmyeon. “Sorry for what?” he questioned as his hands found the collar of Junmyeon’s shirt. 

“For being so, I guess, aggressive?” Junmyeon avoided meeting Sehun’s eyes. He couldn’t be sure what he was thinking right now, nor could he gather his own thoughts.

“Apology accepted. Now get back here.” Sehun giggled as he tugged Junmyeon down for another kiss that, sadly, didn’t get to last a whole lot longer before a yawn interrupted them. 

“We should really sleep,” Junmyeon noted. 

Sehun groaned, though, agreed with Junmyeon. “Get comfortable, hyung. I will turn off the lights and the music.” 

“Mmn, okay. Goodnight, Sehunnie,” Junmyeon muttered while crawling under the duvet and burying the side of his face against one of the pillows. “Love you.” 

The music stopped and the room went dark, and with a smile on his face, Sehun crawled back into his bed to join Junmyeon again. 

“Love you too. So much,” he whispered, and when a low snore from the older followed, he couldn’t help but grin even wider. “And I knew you needed to rest.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with my creative liberties! The livestream with Sehun and Baekhyun is made up, though, inspired by other livestreams Baekhyun has done when alone (I imagine his neighbors must feel about him the same way mine feel about me).
> 
> I kind of considered splitting this chapter into two parts since it was getting a bit long without me even nearing what I had planned for its ending. BuT! I decided against the pre-kiss cliffhanger.
> 
> This chapter took a bit longer than usual since my sleep schedule decided to abandon me, but I’m glad to be posting something new again. Anyway, thank you for reading, and also thank you to everyone who’s been commenting and leaving kudos <3


	7. Home

That morning, waking up next to Junmyeon felt different.

The two of them had slept next to each other so often that no one would even question how natural it felt for them both to share a bed, but today it was  _ different _ . Sehun knew he shouldn’t be freaking out over a mere kiss, but knowing not to panic and not panicking were two very different things. 

A lot was on his mind. The kiss, of course, but what occupied most of his thoughts was how _real_ everything suddenly was. Before, when only Sehun knew of this side of himself, he could easily dismiss it. But now, two more people knew about it, and that had transformed Sehun’s feelings from being something only residing in his mind to being out there, existing in the real world. Terrifying was the only word Sehun could think of to describe it. 

Junmyeon suddenly shifted in Sehun’s arms, clinging tighter onto him than he already was and managing to steer the younger’s attention away from his own thoughts. Junmyeon’s face was comfortably pressed to Sehun’s neck, and Sehun could feel his calm breaths fanning against his skin in a way that was surprisingly comforting. 

Sehun couldn’t stop himself from smiling when something incoherent left the older’s lips, unsure if he had even spoken any words or if they were just noises. Either way, it sparked a warm feeling inside him, and while he may have been close to freaking out earlier, he found himself pleasantly distracted now. Junmyeon really was his rock, he supposed, and he especially had been these past days. 

Once again, a sound left Junmyeon, this time a low hum followed by some slight movement which had Sehun concluding that he was starting to wake up too. There definitely were no doubts in Sehun’s mind that he had made the right call when he pushed for Junmyeon to get some rest, because clearly he had needed more sleep than what he would have gotten without Sehun’s involvement.

“Good morning,” Sehun spoke after giving Junmyeon a bit more time to wake up. The last thing he wanted to do was pull him from his rest, though, they did have schedules to keep up with.

“Good morning,” Junmyeon mumbled in return, still not moving nor opening his eyes. Sehun couldn’t avoid wondering what he was thinking about; if he was even awake enough yet to be having the same kind of ‘holy shit I kissed one of my closest friends’ moment as Sehun had had when he woke up. If he was freaking out, he certainly wasn’t showing it. 

Sehun guessed he had been quiet for a while when Junmyeon once again spoke: “Did you sleep well?” His voice was starting to sound more normal now and less like that of someone still stuck in the grips of sleep.

“Mn, I did. Are you still sleeping well?” Sehun’s lips were curved into a smile, and while Junmyeon wasn’t looking at him it was probably conveyed in his tone and in how he gave the older’s body a short squeeze.

Junmyeon giggled before nodding. “Oh yeah. I’m dreaming that I get to stay in bed all day. It’s very nice.”

“Oh, I hope I’m in that dream.” While Sehun wasn’t exactly tired anymore, staying in bed still sounded incredibly appealing to him right now. Mostly because he wasn’t sure he wanted to leave his safe little bubble with Junmyeon and potentially have to face the flood of worries he had been keeping at bay. It was inevitable, though. 

Sehun knew he would eventually have to face everything he had been putting off. He had people to explain himself to, people to please, and a hell of a lot to figure out. The two first ones weren’t exactly mandatory - Sehun knew he didn’t owe anyone to come out to them - but he still felt like he should. He felt like the people closest to him should know and deserved to know, because yes, he had been telling himself this wasn’t an important part of him, that it wasn’t even a part of him at all, but in truth, it was. 

“What’s on your mind?” Junmyeon’s voice broke the silence yet again, and Sehun shrugged.

“It’s nothing, really.” Nothing new, at least.

Junmyeon opened his eyes and pulled away from Sehun’s neck to look at his face instead, and Sehun could kind of tell he had an agenda to fix something just from the slightly-worried-slightly-guilty expression he wore.

“I, uhm, I didn’t overstep, did I…?” 

Sehun was quick to shake his head before Junmyeon could start apologizing, because really, he was absolutely fine with them having kissed. Maybe a bit more than fine, which was also part of the reason why he had been freaking out; he recognized fast that he didn’t mind kissing Junmyeon and that he enjoyed it. He also wouldn’t mind doing it again, maybe he even  _ wanted  _ to kiss him again. 

“It’s okay. I’m alright with us having kissed.”

“Right, but we kind of made out, though, didn’t we?” Junmyeon continued, and at this point, Sehun was beginning to wonder if _he_ was regretting it. Still, Junmyeon had seemed to enjoy the kiss quite a lot, being the main force behind it getting as heated as it did, so Sehun really wasn’t sure.

“It’s okay, hyung, really. Don’t worry about it.” Sehun hesitantly found one of Junmyeon’s hands and gave it a squeeze before linking their fingers together. It was something he quite often did when trying to calm the older, or whenever Junmyeon was upset and he wanted to console him, and it worked most of the time.

Sehun expected for Junmyeon to go on since he did have a habit of getting stuck on the things he thought he did wrong, but instead, he seemed to contemplate for a while, then let out a breath and gradually moved in closer until they were both hugging again. At this point, Junmyeon was halfway lying on top of Sehun with the younger’s hand moving to rest on his upper back. 

“I’m glad I didn’t scare you away or anything.” 

“You probably couldn’t even if you tried - you’re not very scary,” Sehun spoke, laughing when Junmyeon insisted he could be very scary if he wanted to. Sehun doubted that, though. He felt way too safe when Junmyeon was around for that to change, and his previous point still stood: Junmyeon wasn’t very scary, not at all. 

Junmyeon groaned in defeat, muttering a “fine” and nuzzling his head further into the crook of Sehun’s neck. “How long till we have to get up?” he questioned, his voice low again and making Sehun wonder if he was on his way back to falling asleep.

“We have some time, but we should probably work on waking you up?” 

“Please don’t tickle me,” Junmyeon said, prompting Sehun to laugh again because, for one, that hadn’t been his idea, and two, it was an even better idea than his own. Junmyeon pushed his upper body up just enough for Sehun to see his face and then opened his eyes, very much unwillingly. “I’m awake, see?”

“Okay, okay, I believe you.” 

Junmyeon smiled, and Sehun returned the fond expression on instinct, as if there wasn’t an option of  _ not  _ smiling back at him. Sehun wasn’t sure what compelled him to do it, but suddenly he raised his hand to lightly brush a thumb along Junmyeon’s cheek, only to momentarily freeze when he began wondering if that was a weird thing to be doing. Junmyeon just continued smiling down at him, though. 

If he hadn’t already thought about it so much, Sehun would assume the warmth spreading in his chest and cheeks was a new thing, but the truth was that Junmyeon had been able to invoke such feelings in him for about as long as the two of them had known each other. It was how Sehun would describe Junmyeon’s presence, as something warm and pleasant, filled with moments that made him feel so damn loved he almost didn’t know what to do with himself. 

“Are you sure nothing’s on your mind?” Junmyeon asked after Sehun had been quiet for a while again. 

Sehun nodded. “Nothing new, at least. But hyung, you need to take care of yourself too. Don’t worry too much about me.” 

“I know, and you were right yesterday; I did need to rest… But Sehunnie, it’s okay to ask for help or reach out for someone to talk to. We shouldn’t be shouldering all of our burdens alone.” 

The words leaving Junmyeon were a variation of statements Sehun was certain he had made before. It made sense for it to be Junmyeon saying them almost like a mantra, though, considering how much the older was constantly taking care of everyone around him. 

Sehun sighed. There was no way he could fight the maternal instincts so deeply rooted in Junmyeon. “Will you stop worrying if I tell you?” 

“Probably,” Junmyeon began with a short nod, before falling silent for a few seconds. “Can I be honest?” 

Sehun couldn’t tell from Junmyeon’s expression whether or not he should fear what being honest would entail, but he also didn’t feel like he could say no to it. He couldn’t exactly tell him he wasn’t allowed to speak, so Sehun gave a hesitant nod, something Junmyeon must have picked up on. 

“It’s nothing bad, I promise,” Junmyeon spoke reassuringly, placing a hand on top of the one Sehun had neglected to move from his cheek. “I just don’t think I’ll ever  _ not  _ worry about you in some way, because I care about you, and that’s okay. I want to help you feel better, always, in whatever way I can.”

Junmyeon’s words were spoken with such sincerity that Sehun could only blink as he processed them. 

“You’re right that I’m extra worried lately, but you’re going through a hard time, Sehunnie. I can’t ignore that you’re hurting,” Junmyeon added, this time in a softer tone than before. “I just want you to be alright.” 

Once Junmyeon was done speaking and seeming to be looking for a reply, Sehun mentally kicked his own brain to get it back up and running again. How their lighthearted conversation had somehow taken  _ this _ turn, he really didn’t know. Just like he didn’t know what to say immediately, other than a small and, in his opinion, pathetic: “thank you.”

If Junmyeon was disappointed in the lack of response from Sehun, there were no signs of it, as he only kept smiling down at him.

“I guess I’ve just been trying to sort my thoughts out. I don’t really know what to do with all of…  _ this _ ,” Sehun finally managed to elaborate. There was also a fear lurking in the back of his mind that he hadn’t voiced yet, something so completely and utterly terrifying that he didn’t even dare think of it himself. He wasn’t sure about his brother, but his parents likely wouldn’t be too happy about it when he chose to come out. It was perhaps one of the biggest reasons for his repressing himself for so long. 

He didn’t think they were actively against same-sex couples, but they were of a different generation where men loving men and women loving women was viewed much more negatively than by Sehun’s own generation - and even people his age weren’t always kind about it either. Sehun was certain they would be disappointed at the very least, and potentially, they might not even want to acknowledge it. 

Junmyeon pursed his lips, and Sehun knew the older was doing his best to think along with him despite how little information he had actually divulged. It wasn’t always easy to help when Sehun kept his thoughts so safely guarded, but Junmyeon had never minded trying. 

“Maybe there isn’t anything to do, though, other than accepting that this is who you are and allowing yourself to  _ be  _ who you are?” Junmyeon suggested, of course, knowing that it wasn’t necessarily an easy feat. 

Sehun sighed, snaking his arms around Junmyeon’s upper body and pulling him down for a hug. “How did you get to that point?”

“Time probably did most of the work. I stopped caring, at least about what strangers would think of me.” 

“Do your parents know?” Sehun asked, this time a bit more hesitant in case it was a sensitive topic. 

“They do, yeah. My mom thought we were drifting apart and confronted me, and I guess I just couldn’t keep it secret anymore. She almost sounded relieved when I told her, I think she expected there was an  _ actual  _ problem.” Junmyeon really didn’t have to mention it for Sehun to know that the both of them had been crying their eyes out after that exchange. Actually, the more he thought about it, the more he felt like he knew exactly what the source of Junmyeon’s caring nature was. 

“What about your brother?”

Junmyeon nodded, and Sehun couldn’t help but notice the slight change in his demeanor. “He was a little weird about it at first, like my dad, but I think they just didn’t understand it. To them, you were either straight or gay, and I’m neither. But all of them are supportive now.” 

While Sehun couldn’t say with certainty that his own family would have such a positive reaction, he was glad that Junmyeon’s at least had. In a way, it would almost break his heart more if Junmyeon was the one struggling instead of himself. It  _ did _ break his heart more that a lot of people were struggling because of something like this, something that barely even mattered in the grand scheme of things.

A frown tugged at the edges of Sehun’s lips. There was something so broken in how people viewed each other. Different was bad because it was different, and more often than not, what set someone apart wasn’t even an aspect of themselves they could control. The unfairness of it all angered Sehun, but more than that, it made him sad.

Junmyeon picked up on Sehun’s silence after a moment of him not responding at all. It could take him a while to reply sometimes, but Junmyeon expected that this had more to do with the younger getting stuck in his own thoughts. 

Leaning up, he pressed a soft kiss to the side of Sehun’s temple and tightened his arms around him before adding a small: “You’ll be alright.”

***

Leaving bed had been harder than usual that day since neither Sehun nor Junmyeon really wanted to let go of each other. They had still managed to, though, and joined the others in time for breakfast before all their practicing had begun. 

On days mainly spent in the dance studio it was easy to lose track of time. It could almost feel like a little world of its own, where a few minutes passed suddenly turned into an hour or two, without anyone really noticing until they were reminded that it was time for lunch. 

Chanyeol sat down next to Sehun after having grabbed food for the both of them, and as Sehun turned to thank the older with a smile, his expression dropped upon noticing how Chanyeol wasn’t his usual beaming self. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” he asked, and thankfully, Chanyeol immediately burst into a smile accompanied by some laughing. 

“I’m trying to check up on  _ you _ .” Maybe it wasn’t entirely necessary for him to ask anymore, but Sehun still hadn’t explained what caused him to break down like he had that night, and Chanyeol also didn’t know if anything similar had happened again following their conversation. 

Sehun did feel slightly guilty for not having told Chanyeol anything, even more guilty that he hadn’t managed to assure him that he was actually okay. Out of everyone, Chanyeol was probably the person Sehun felt he owed an explanation to the most.

Sehun leaned to the side just enough for him to gently bump their shoulders together. “I’m good.” Sure, he had a ways to go, but he honestly did feel better than he had the prior week. He no longer felt so alone in all of this. “I don’t know why I reacted like that… I was probably just overwhelmed.” 

“It happens,” Chanyeol replied, bumping their shoulders together once more in a similar manner to Sehun. “I’m just glad you’re doing better now, and sleeping again.”

Sehun raised a brow at the last remark. He really hadn’t expected for anyone to pick up on the changes like they all seemed to have, because for himself it had even taken a while to notice that his sleepless nights had turned into a pattern and that his eating had been thrown entirely off balance. 

Chanyeol grinned at the younger and decided to clarify: “I saw Junmyeon-hyung leaving your room, and you guys usually sleep best when you’re together, so.” 

“Ah, yeah,” Sehun agreed as he dipped his chopsticks back into his food for another bite. That Junmyeon also seemed to prefer sleeping in the same room or even bed as Sehun was something he hadn’t given too much thought before, but Chanyeol was probably right. He at least seemed to be nothing but content whenever he and Sehun were together. 

Junmyeon was still going over something with Jongin, and Sehun couldn’t help but smile at his dedication. He always gave it his all, whether that was his work or the love and care he expressed for his friends and family. It was admirable, even if it also meant that Sehun had to protect Junmyeon from himself and his own high standards every now and then. Sehun didn't mind, though. He was usually on the receiving end of Junmyeon's care, but Sehun wanted to return it just as much.

Without warning, Sehun felt an arm wrap around his shoulders as Baekhyun’s head popped in between his and Chanyeol’s. “Why are you sitting all the way over here?” he asked, managing to push them apart enough that he could sit down too. 

Chanyeol immediately had an arm around Baekhyun’s waist and a smile as wide as the older’s. “Because our food is here.” 

Sehun laughed at the dumb response but decided to agree with Chanyeol’s reasoning. Besides, there was no point in lingering on a not-so-fun moment when it could easily be replaced with one that  _ was _ fun. Like playing innocent while Baekhyun and Chanyeol took turns poking each other in the side, only to join in tickling Baekhyun when he was too focused on Chanyeol to stop Sehun’s sneak attack.

"Yah! This is unfair," Baekhyun complained while doing his best to guard himself from the hands of the two others. His voice was loud enough to draw in the attention of everyone else as well, and regrettably - but only for Baekhyun - that meant he soon had to fight off more people than just Chanyeol and Sehun.

In this moment, Sehun doubted why he had even been so scared in the first place. He had been afraid of not fitting in, of being too different, but it was so obvious that he had already found his place, where he belonged. They would accept him because they already had many times before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: Happy New Year!!  
> I know I don’t really have to apologize, but I’m still sorry it took me so long to update! I guess I underestimated how taxing the holidays would be, and then I also rewrote this a few times c’: But yes, I am back! So hi. 
> 
> Since I'm so far along with this, I wanted to mention that I'm open to requests, prompts, and ideas for other fics. You can really suggest anything EXO.
> 
> Once again, I’d like to thank everyone who has been leaving comments and kudos! It really means so much to me that my writing is being received this positively, and it helps me through those times where I’m stuck. So ye, thank you, and thank you for exercising my face muscles by making me smile <3


	8. Who Are You To Judge?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone’s caught some feelings, huh?

If there was one thing Junmyeon wasn't doing, it was panicking. Actually, it was the furthest from what he was doing. At least that was what he had convinced himself of yesterday, when Minseok had found him pacing after their dance practice and immediately asked what was bothering their leader.

At first, Junmyeon insisted it was nothing. How could he tell what was on his mind without also telling about Sehun? And outing anyone was something Junmyeon  _ never _ wanted to do.

Minseok had pressed on, though, and Junmyeon had eventually cracked and told him about this ‘friend’ he had. This friend he was very close with and had recently only become closer with. This friend he was starting to realize he sort of maybe - definitely - felt a deeper connection with than what most would consider to be friendly. This friend he couldn't stop thinking about, and this friend he really just wanted to kiss and hold and never let go of again.

So of course, Minseok had told Junmyeon the obvious thing: he was in love.

The two oldest hadn't gotten to talk much further about it since then, but as Junmyeon was on his way home he found himself really wishing that Minseok was there to listen. He wasn't, though, as he, Jongdae, and Baekhyun were doing an opening ceremony as EXO-CBX, and Junmyeon was left to carry out this conversation with himself in his own head instead.

He knew he had two options - or maybe three, but the third was more like a variant of the second. He could wait until the feelings died down and never speak of it, avoiding all of the potential risks that could be associated with confessing. Or, he could tell Sehun and either risk rejection or risk complicating things should they start going out. None of the choices really sounded ideal, but Junmyeon also knew what he  _ wanted  _ to do the most - that didn’t necessarily mean that he  _ could  _ do it, though.

As the car neared his home, Junmyeon did, however, think of a fourth option.

Junmyeon reached the dorm around the same time as Chanyeol. He was listening to music, safely guarded in his own world by the headphones he was wearing and looking way more relaxed than Junmyeon had seen him since the younger had witnessed Sehun falling apart. Sehun had also seemed to be more comfortable in his own skin since yesterday, and while Junmyeon would still worry occasionally, he was starting to ease up as well. Sehun was stronger than he gave himself credit for, all of them really were. 

“Hyung, wait,” Chanyeol’s deep voice interrupted as Junmyeon was about to let the both of them inside, causing Junmyeon to halt mid-action while the younger pulled down his headphones to rest around his neck. 

Junmyeon smiled at him and urged for him to go on with a: “yes?” 

The younger fiddled briefly, pressing his lips together a bit tighter in what looked to be some sort of internal conflict. “I-... You don’t have to tell me any details or anything, that’s not why I’m asking; but Sehun  _ is _ doing better, right?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” Junmyeon spoke. He could imagine Chanyeol must feel slightly left out due to not knowing anything. Most of the others probably found it strange that the maknae hadn’t voiced what was on his mind yet as well. “I’m sure he will let you in when he’s ready. But please don’t worry too much until then, Chanyeol-ie, okay?” 

Chanyeol nodded and returned Junmyeon’s smile with a bright one of his own. “Thank you, hyung. Now, let’s go inside, it’s cold out here,” he added with a laugh as he put his arm around Junmyeon’s shoulders, the older wasting no time unlocking the door and stepping inside the warm comfort of their dorm.

It was instantly known that Jongin and Sehun were also home, proven by their unique yet similar laughs sounding from the living room. Kyungsoo’s voice could be heard as well, occasionally asking the others what the hell they were doing even though they also managed to make him laugh despite how tired he sounded.

Junmyeon expected that Kyungsoo would be exhausted. Aside from all of their group activities, he had also had his solo projects to keep up with, and Junmyeon knew from experience just how tiring that could be. This was also why he had already thought of places they could order food from so Kyungsoo could get a well-deserved break.

Chanyeol announced his and the leader’s return by immediately going to the living room and joining in on the fun with Junmyeon following close behind him. 

Junmyeon really hoped it wasn’t his mind playing tricks on him, but Sehun’s face seemed to light up even more when he spotted the leader, and of course, urged for him to take the seat on the couch at his side. And how was Junmyeon supposed to say no to that?

As soon as he sat down, Sehun’s arms were around him, pulling him in close and latching onto him as if they hadn’t seen each other for months. This sure didn’t do anything to calm Junmyeon’s heartbeat down, nor did it help him maintain any sort of normal facial expression. He was sure he looked over the moon as he glanced at Sehun, but then again, how could he not? Sehun meant more to him than what words could describe, Junmyeon had known this for a long time, and maybe it was only because he thought he wouldn’t stand a chance with the younger that those feelings hadn’t been interpreted as romantic; hadn’t been  _ allowed  _ to be interpreted as such. 

Strangely enough, Junmyeon could feel the room quieting down as eyes went to look at him instead, and now he was wondering just how obvious he was being. 

“You two always manage to get closer somehow, I’m not even surprised anymore,” Chanyeol commented with a grin. It was harmless in its meaning, Junmyeon knew that, but the comment still felt like he was being called out on something. He could imagine Sehun especially didn’t like hearing it, enforced by how he was entirely quiet. 

“You say that as if you and Baekhyun-hyung didn’t fall asleep together on the couch last night.” Luckily, Jongin was quick to add his own take on the situation, and he was quite right in what he said. Baekhyun and Chanyeol often acted like a couple - a lot of them did, really. 

Chanyeol squinted at Jongin. “Do I need to bring up Taemin?” 

“Stop,” Kyungsoo groaned and gave Chanyeol’s butt a light kick from where he was laying on the couch. “All of us hug all the time, there’s no point to this discussion. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for friends to get any closer.”

“Aw, don’t give up, hyung, you can always try,” Sehun said - mostly because he was safe on the other couch and had Junmyeon as a human shield - and both he and Jongin couldn’t contain their laughter at how Kyungsoo seemed to be at a loss for words now. 

It didn’t take him long to recover, though. Kyungsoo usually knew just what to say in order to throw someone’s comment right back at them. “What are you suggesting, then, Oh Sehun?”

That was the point where things once again shifted. Sehun looked like he was trying to come up with something clever to reply, opening his mouth only to close it afterwards. Junmyeon imagined he felt limited in what he could say, because more often than not, Sehun’s sharp tongue had a comeback ready in no time. 

“I don’t want to ruin the moment, but I think we should order some food soon,” Junmyeon pointed out, and that pretty much did the trick as everyone’s attention immediately shifted to the topic of dinner. Well, everyone except for Sehun who instead shot Junmyeon a grateful look. 

***

So the fourth option Junmyeon had come up with was to, essentially, do nothing. Nothing different, at least. He would continue the physical intimacy he and Sehun were so used to, provide him with all the hugs and cuddles - and kisses - he wanted, and maybe he would allow himself to be just a bit more clingy too. The last bit was still up for debate as Junmyeon wasn’t sure he even dared approach Sehun in a romantic way. 

Still, trying to push the boundaries and see where the line was drawn seemed rational enough. It was the only way he could really find out if Sehun was interested without having to directly ask him, and asking was  _ not _ on Junmyeon’s agenda. Not yet, at least.

Junmyeon remembered how Sehun had said he didn’t mind them having kissed, and Junmyeon kept wondering if that also held true for the present and the future. Was once enough or would he want to do it again? There was only one way of knowing. 

It had been a while since dinner by now, and while Sehun had been changing into something more comfortable, Junmyeon had been trying to figure out what he was going to do. He felt like he had to be extra careful since this didn’t just involve his own feelings but also someone else’s, and even more careful because that someone else was Sehun. Aside from meaning so incredibly much to Junmyeon, he also knew that Sehun was more vulnerable than usual right now, and protecting him mattered the most.

Junmyeon didn’t notice Sehun’s presence before he felt his hands on his shoulders, making him almost jump out of his chair as he had been so deep in thought. He probably should have closed his door, then he would at least have heard the younger coming in. 

Sehun bit his lip to keep himself from laughing at Junmyeon’s reaction but it didn’t have much of an effect. Before Junmyeon could complain, though, Sehun was pressing his thumbs into Junmyeon’s shoulders in what was the beginning of a massage. Junmyeon hadn’t even realized he was tense, not until Sehun had pressed down on a particularly sore muscle.

“What are you doing?” the younger asked as he peered over Junmyeon’s shoulder, at his empty desk which, to be fair, probably was confusing with how concentrated he had looked upon Sehun’s entry. 

Junmyeon leaned his head back with a deep exhale and briefly closed his eyes. “I was just thinking, about nothing, really.” The last bit was mainly added to assure Sehun that nothing was wrong. No bad news upcoming or anything. Junmyeon supposed one of the downsides to being the group’s leader was how easy it was to worry the others if he wasn’t being clear in separating his own personal worries from the professional ones. 

“Hm, okay,” Sehun said as he moved his hands’ focus closer to Junmyeon’s spine. “Does this hurt?” 

“No, you’re good,” Junmyeon said, smiling up at Sehun who was now peering down to meet his eyes. Even though it wasn’t particularly quiet in the house it felt like a short silence formed between them as they shared glances for just a few seconds longer than most friends would.

Sehun was the first to shyly look away, and continued massaging Junmyeon’s shoulders once he realized he had stopped. Junmyeon averted his gaze too, worried that he would accidentally turn this moment into something awkward. It felt strange to, for once,  _ not  _ know what to do or say around Sehun. 

After managing to calm himself, Junmyeon decided that finding something else to occupy them both - rather than being very focused on Sehun touching him - would probably dissolve the tension that was forming. “Do you want to do something? Just us two? It can be anything.” 

A hum and an ‘okay’ followed in response. For a second or two, Sehun appeared to be internally debating something, and Junmyeon only hoped that wasn’t a bad sign. 

“We can also just talk?” Junmyeon suggested. 

“Alright. Let’s go sit down, though - I think my legs want a break,” Sehun spoke, a smile spreading on his lips which was to Junmyeon’s relief, despite him already missing the warmth of Sehun’s hands on his shoulders.

The younger walked to Junmyeon’s bed and sat down at its center, legs crossed and a hand reaching to pat the spot in front of himself. Of course, Junmyeon went to sit down right where Sehun had wanted him to. 

Sehun reached for Junmyeon’s right hand and began absentmindedly playing with his fingers as he so often would. “You know, you’re being really quiet,” he pointed out after a while of Junmyeon just looking at their hands and hoping that his cheeks weren’t giving him away.

“Sorry, you’re right,” Junmyeon spoke as he put his other hand on top of Sehun’s, now lifting his eyes to look at the younger again. “I think I’m just a bit overwhelmed by how much there’s still left to do before the year ends. Time passes too fast during December, doesn’t it?” 

Sehun nodded and gave Junmyeon’s hand a squeeze. “I know what you mean. I feel like I wasted half the month being stuck in my own head... But we still have time, we have next year - and the ones after that, too.” 

Junmyeon’s lips curled into an unavoidable smile. Sometimes it was just his presence or his touches, other times it was his words; it all provided Junmyeon the comfort he needed in most situations. 

“Do you have any wishes or goals for the new year?” 

Sehun’s brows furrowed as he took a moment to think about his answer. “I think I might want to tell everyone,” he replied, following it up with a firm nod that likely had the intention of setting the goal in stone for himself. Junmyeon couldn’t help but feel proud of Sehun for already having come to that point, and a sense of admiration too. Maybe he should officially come out as well. 

Junmyeon loosened his hands from Sehun’s grip and wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace instead. The younger appeared a bit confused at first, even asking what the hug was for which Junmyeon only replied to by gushing over Sehun and his development. “I’m so, so proud of you. You’ve come so far.”

Sehun’s arms found their way around Junmyeon’s body too before a sigh escaped him. “I’m not so sure I have.” Something about his tone was rather solemn, and Junmyeon could only hope that Sehun was going to elaborate on it. 

“Why aren’t you sure?”

It made all the sense in the world for Sehun to still be struggling, and of course Junmyeon had figured as much. Afterall, twenty-three years of denial couldn’t simply be combated within the span of a few weeks. Junmyeon was also under the impression that all of this was deeply rooted in the younger’s mindset, and that it likely stemmed from him, at some point in his life, having been taught that it was  _ wrong  _ to feel like he did. Again, not something that was easy to just reverse.

There was a slight hint of hesitation in Sehun’s voice when he replied: “I don’t want to use  _ that  _ word, you know? People throw it around like an insult all the time, and I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to condemn myself?”

Junmyeon pulled Sehun in closer, until the younger was safely tucked against his chest. He supposed he could understand how Sehun felt even though he hadn’t gone through the exact same thing. For him, it had more been an issue of even knowing  _ what  _ to call himself as words like bisexual hadn’t existed in his vocabulary before he reached a certain age. It was tiring having to deal with not being acknowledged most of the time. “I wish there was less hatred in the world.” 

Sehun let out another sigh. “Yeah, me too.” 

“At least there’s none of it here. And we’re the most important, right?” Junmyeon spoke, attempting to lighten the mood even though he didn’t really expect for it to work. Surprisingly enough, Sehun laughed. 

“Yes, especially you, hyung,” Sehun agreed, a tinge of mischievousness in his voice, and Junmyeon felt like his heart skipped a beat. Whether Sehun did that to him on purpose, he really couldn’t tell. Maybe the younger had already picked up on his feelings, even before Junmyeon had himself.

The older momentarily struggled to figure out a response. What would he have said before, when he wasn’t aware of how deep his feelings for Sehun ran, and when a simple compliment - that was probably just a joke - didn’t make his heart flutter? Junmyeon didn’t know. 

Junmyeon finally snapped out of his thoughts. “But Sehunnie, what matters most is that you’re happy, okay? You don’t have to label it, nor explain yourself to anyone.” 

“I know,” Sehun spoke, followed by a short laugh. “You’re being so serious now.”

A grin widened on Junmyeon’s lips and he nodded exaggeratedly. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll switch it up a bit. Maybe a joke or something?” 

The sound of Sehun’s laughter was like music to Junmyeon’s ears, especially when he was the cause of the giggles that left the younger. It never failed to put a smile on his lips. 

“No, no, you don’t have to push your limits,” Sehun said as he pulled away from Junmyeon’s embrace. Remnants of laughter still lingered in his voice, as well as the smile he’d worn, and even if Sehun was currently teasing Junmyeon, he couldn’t help but smile back at the younger and his antics. Sehun really was his everything. 

“I can be funny,” Junmyeon insisted. “I make you laugh all the time.” 

And yes, Junmyeon was right about that, but it was also part of their little game that Sehun wouldn’t admit to it. “I only laugh because you’re cute.” 

Normally, Junmyeon would have been laughing at whatever excuse Sehun had managed to produce, but this time he pretty much froze. Once again, it had felt like his heart skipped a beat, tingles radiating from his chest to his stomach, and judging from the warmth of his face, he guessed he had a decent shade of red going on right about now. 

Sehun quieted down when Junmyeon didn’t respond and worry briefly flashed across his features before Junmyeon quickly assured him that he hadn’t said anything wrong. Really, he just wasn’t used to Sehun calling him cute like that. 

Sehun didn’t seem to buy it, though, as one of his brows were quirked up while he studied Junmyeon’s face - something that didn’t exactly help in making it any less red. 

“You look like Baekhyun when he’s drunk,” Sehun said, followed by a giggle which had Junmyeon dropping his head into his hands to hide. Of course, Sehun only laughed more at that. “Hyung, come on! Red suits you, you don’t have to hide.” 

Junmyeon couldn’t resist when Sehun tugged on his wrists, and he revealed his face again. “Red suits me? I think it suits you more.” 

“No, no,” Sehun said while shaking his head. “Not that kind of red, that’s your color.” 

“And we can’t share colors?” 

“Well, you’re red, and I’m not, so I think that speaks for itself,” Sehun spoke confidently, as if there were no other ways of ever looking at this topic. Which, of course, made Junmyeon want to contest it. 

“Do you want me to change that?” Junmyeon asked as he tilted his head. 

Sehun went quiet now like Junmyeon had before, and that had the older smiling in satisfaction. Well, at least till Sehun decided to open his mouth again. 

“How?” he asked, this time a bit more quiet. It was also at this moment Junmyeon realized that they had been subtly flirting with each other for a while, and that the whole subtle part was completely gone now. 

“I… Could kiss you?” 

Sehun smiled and scooted closer to Junmyeon again. “Or, I could kiss you,” he mumbled while leaning in to meet Junmyeon’s lips with his own. 

Junmyeon’s eyes fell shut the moment their lips touched, while a hand went to rest on the side of Sehun’s neck to guide their faces closer together. Compared to the first kiss they had shared, Sehun was definitely a lot more confident in what he was doing now. Not only was it apparent in how he had initiated the kiss, but it was also displayed in how he would tug gently at the older’s bottom lip using his teeth, and how Sehun wasn’t hesitant to allow for their tongues to meet.

At the top of Junmyeon’s list of things he wanted to do right now, melting into Sehun’s touch took the number one spot. He was certain he could spend forever like this, and if given the chance, he probably would.

Sehun appeared to be slightly taken aback by the soft moan that left his own throat as he haltered for just a bit. Junmyeon guessed he wasn't used to that happening, even though he clearly had kissed someone way before their first kiss together. He was too good a kisser to be entirely inexperienced, even if that experience came from kissing girls or women he wasn't at all interested in.

There was definitely interest now, though.

Junmyeon could feel Sehun's pulse picking up its pace and how warm he was becoming under the hand placed on the younger's neck. He was certain Sehun had the same kind of awareness of his effect on  _ him _ , as his hand had somehow found its way to his chest - not so subtly feeling at Junmyeon's muscles.

It was only when a loud “we’re home!” sounded from downstairs that the two were ripped back to the present, panting slightly as their kissing slowly turned into only placing small pecks on the other’s lips while not wanting to break apart. They knew they had to, though. It was only a matter of time before someone went to get them, not to mention how lucky they were that no one had witnessed this with the still open door of Junmyeon’s room.

"To be continued?" Junmyeon asked, his voice breathy and very likely only audible to Sehun because of how close they were.

Sehun nodded with a sweet little hum, moving his hands up to cup Junmyeon’s face as he pressed another short kiss to his lips. "To be continued."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely love writing banter so much, so I really hope I didn’t overdo it. Also, I think I’m nearing the end of this? So that’s exciting but also sad (though, mostly the former since that means I get to work on my other secret-for-now fic + the oneshot I lowkey wrote in my head while brushing my teeth (and probably more)). 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos! I’ll keep repeating that it makes my day because it’s true <3


	9. The Many Faces of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this update, I spent like five minutes staring at pictures of Junmyeon smiling. Then, I spent three more minutes fighting the English language

For a very long time, Sehun had believed love would never come his way. He had been certain that once he could no longer use his busy life as an idol to excuse why he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would become a disappointment to his parents. He would become the son his mom constantly nagged about marriage and grandchildren, the son his father questioned, and since he was completely uninterested in women and always had been, he had never been able to see a way out of that future.

The fear of being alone had also haunted him, because of course he wanted to find the love of his life and settle down. He wanted to find his special person, and he wanted to be somebody else’s special person too. But could he? And if he did, would his parents accept that?

Ever since acknowledging that yes, he was indeed attracted to men, Sehun had begun to lay these thoughts to rest, though. Was he still scared of how his family would react? Absolutely. But he also knew that continuing like he had before was no longer an option. It had been eating away at him for far longer than he had originally realized, and that needed to stop. 

Something that had also helped Sehun in reaching this point was realizing that he had already found his person. Really, he had found more than just his person - he had found himself a second family, a group of people that had never made him doubt whether or not he was wanted. So, as scary as it was to be tearing his own walls down, Sehun would. He would live out his life how he wanted with the people he wanted.

***

Sehun stirred in his sleep, a small pout forming on his lips as he neared waking up. He wasn’t entirely aware of anything except for the imagery his brain had been producing while he slept, as well as the solid heat behind his body.

Of course, he and Junmyeon had decided to sleep in the same room. The initial intention had probably been to talk feelings a bit before going to sleep, but instead they had ended up kissing for about an hour before their tiredness got to them. Sehun couldn’t complain, though. 

A soft kiss was pressed to his hair, and Sehun’s features slowly lit up in a tiny smile, though he didn’t bother to open his eyes. 

“Sehunnie?” Junmyeon’s voice spoke, soft, yet still bearing hints of sleep. “Are you awake?”

Sehun shook his head as much as he could with it still being pressed against his pillow, letting out a small “no.” 

Junmyeon laughed in response before pressing another kiss to Sehun’s cheek. “Are you sure? You sound kind of awake to me.” 

A small, sleepy groan left the younger, and he could feel Junmyeon tightening his grip around his upper body while burying his face in the back of his neck. He assumed they still had some time to spare before they had to get up, considering how Junmyeon wasn’t pushing for them to leave bed immediately. That, or the older was just as comfortable and content as he was.

Sehun didn’t need a whole lot of silence before his brain slowly began drifting off again, but this time, he was awoken by Junmyeon planting a kiss on his jaw, eventually trailing his way down to his neck. It was distracting to say the least.

“Hyung, that’s not fair,” Sehun complained, though, he really didn’t take issue with being woken up like this. 

Junmyeon giggled softly against Sehun’s skin which he was still peppering with small, loving kisses. While it wasn’t exactly helpful in getting Sehun to want to leave bed, it did keep him awake, and soon enough, he opened his eyes. 

“Did you sleep well?” Junmyeon asked, letting the last kiss he placed linger as the words moved past his lips. It nearly sent shivers down Sehun’s spine, and he was starting to wonder whether or not Junmyeon was doing it on purpose.

“I did. You’re comfortable,” Sehun teased, smiling when he felt how Junmyeon’s lips curled into a smile too. “You should move back in.” 

The arms around Sehun’s waist squeezed him closer in a hug, and it wasn’t difficult to guess at what Junmyeon’s answer would be. “I should, shouldn’t I? I’ve missed this, and you.” 

Sehun made the motion to turn around, and Junmyeon loosened his grip on the younger enough for him to roll onto his other side. Once they were face to face, Junmyeon immediately hugged him again like his life depended on it. 

“I sleep so much better when you’re here,” Sehun admitted. He knew it was about time for them to address the very obvious feelings they both had for each other, but at the same time it was also kind of scary. Sehun had expected Junmyeon to start the conversation last night, but he never had. If he had allowed himself to overthink that aspect, he probably would be freaking out right now. 

Junmyeon briefly put his lips on Sehun’s, then parted with a smile. “So do I,” he half-whispered, hands gently stroking Sehun’s back. “I… I love you. So, so much.”

It was the perfect moment to talk and Sehun wasn’t going to waste that. No, he would bring up the subject before he could decide to back out again. “I love you too, a lot. More than what a friend probably should.” 

Sehun hadn’t really thought Junmyeon would be at a loss for words when hearing his confession, but the older seemed unable to figure out what to say. He looked thrilled, a bit like he couldn’t believe it, and very much like he had no possible way of expressing any of that. Words didn’t feel necessary, however. It was all so clear in the way Junmyeon looked at Sehun. 

Finally, Junmyeon snapped out of his daze and managed to collect himself. “Me too,” he half-whispered. “Definitely more than what a friend should.” 

It was hard for Sehun to keep the smile already worn on his lips from widening. Even though he often wasn’t the most expressive person, Junmyeon had always been capable of bringing  _ something _ to the front; whether just a tiny smile or his whole face lighting up like it was right now. “Definitely?” Sehun mused. 

Junmyeon let a hand slip to Sehun’s cheek, his thumb brushing over the skin while their eyes met. “I want to be more than friends,” he admitted before his expression turned slightly more timid and he looked away again, “and I know it’s probably way too early to even be asking you, because you’re still figuring all of this out, but… Actually there’s no but. I’m sorry if this is too much.” 

Sehun wasn’t about to let Junmyeon feel nervous for much longer than the time it took him to finish speaking, and the second he had spoken his last word, Sehun pressed their lips together in a kiss he hoped conveyed just how much he wanted to be more than friends too. 

It was a bit different than their usual kisses - if usual could even be used to describe something that had only happened three times - it was more tender, slower, and at the same time, something almost resembling desperation laid behind everything else, causing them to grab at each other in attempts at getting closer. As for feelings, there was no doubt this kiss was an emotional one, and it felt almost overwhelming and vulnerable at the same time.

Sehun knew there would still be stuff to figure out; how a relationship was going to work when they were in the same group, or how they would go about breaking the news to the others. But all of that didn’t matter in comparison to how much Sehun wanted to be with Junmyeon. 

Breaking free from his own stream of thoughts and realizing he should say something, Sehun slowly parted from Junmyeon’s lips. “You worry too much,” he whispered, followed by a light giggle. “I want to be more than friends too.”

In moments such as this one, Sehun sometimes wished Junmyeon could see himself the same way he saw him. The fond smile on his lips, the faint dimpling of his cheeks, and how his eyes would light up and he would look _so_ _happy_. Sehun was probably biased, but few things came close to being as gorgeous as a smiling Junmyeon, and even fewer things made him feel giddy in the same way. 

Junmyeon seemed to have a similar opinion on Sehun’s smile, as his eyes stayed on the younger, looking at him like he was the center of his world. Any attempts at getting him out of bed also appeared to be on hold for now, and Sehun figured Junmyeon wanted to take his time; wanted to allow himself this little moment even if their schedules were packed. He was human, after all, and no one could fault him for having feelings or needing to process said feelings.

“The next time we have a day off we should spend it like this,” Junmyeon said after a short while. His fingers were running through Sehun’s hair, taking their time twirling the soft strands around or moving up to rake through more hair. The younger loved it, and he knew that Junmyeon was well aware of that. They had cuddled enough before to know exactly where and how to touch each other.

Of course, Sehun couldn’t pass on the opportunity of spending an entire morning - or even day - in bed with Junmyeon. He felt like it would have been a selfish request to make, but Junmyeon was offering, and that made it feel more okay. “Promise?” Sehun asked while moving forward to rest their foreheads together.

The older nodded, his hand slipping to Sehun’s cheek again and letting his thumb gently brush over the smooth, pale skin. “I promise.”

  
  


It had been a struggle for both of them to leave bed that morning, but eventually, they had managed to convince themselves that they needed to get up. After all, none of them wanted their coming out to entail any of the other members walking in on them kissing. 

They were the last to enter the kitchen, definitely the last ones to have gotten out of bed too. Baekhyun was looking at them with a slightly too wide smile, while Minseok seemed confused by this. Jongdae was busier questioning how they managed to be the last ones up despite having had a shorter day than himself and the rest of EXO-CBX. 

“Because we stayed up waiting for you,” Sehun said in the usual innocent tone he would speak with whenever he was really utilizing his role as the maknae. While it had, at times, been frustrating being the youngest, Sehun couldn’t deny it also had its perks. 

Jongdae was all smiles now, and Baekhyun interjected an: “of course, of course. What else would you be doing?”

Kyungsoo looked at Baekhyun, as if trying to catch onto some inside joke he wasn’t a part of. The statement itself might as well just have been a sarcastic remark pertaining to how they nearly always waited till everyone was home before going to bed, but Baekhyun’s delivery made it sound more like he was teasing them. The expression worn on his face was definitely an indicator to go by as well. 

Sehun almost wanted to shoot Baekhyun a glare but refrained from doing so, instead turning his attention to eating. Or most of his attention. Part of him also wondered just how obvious he and Junmyeon were despite him having done his best to not look like he had just walked out of a makeout session. 

Maybe it wasn’t so much a question of messy hair or redder lips, though. Neither he nor Junmyeon had neglected to fix their hair, and who even paid  _ that _ much attention to lip color? The only thing Sehun could place as being different about them both was that he couldn’t stop smiling, and Junmyeon seemed like he was entirely stuck in his own head, thinking about something that had him more occupied and happier than usual. Of course, Sehun knew what that something - or rather, someone - was. 

It almost didn’t feel real how they, only moments ago, decided to go from being friends to moving into the beginnings of a romantic relationship. As much as that thought excited Sehun, it also felt like it was too good to be true, yet, simultaneously like it was inevitable.

Thinking about all of this, time slipped Sehun’s mind, as well as Junmyeon’s. The older was suddenly hurrying to get ready for the vocal lessons he just realized were a lot closer than he thought, and if Sehun didn’t have to hurry up soon as well, that for sure would have been a lot funnier to him. 

Once again, his day would be shorter than many of the others’. Really, the only commitment he had, aside from working out and vocal lessons, was a photoshoot for a magazine after lunch, which left plenty of room for him to enjoy some extra spare time. After all, today would be the last short day for a while as concerts were coming up, and Sehun had long since learned to utilize every chance of a break whenever they presented themselves. The only negative was that Junmyeon wouldn’t be coming home at the same time as him. 

  
  


***

The morning had started on such a high note that Sehun found himself feeling almost invincible. Everything was going great, and it seemed like nothing could knock him out of this happy state. 

Until later that day.

It was inevitable that people would talk, and Sehun knew this. He had always known rumors about him were more than likely to circulate, and that was also a fact he had made peace with. He never sought out information about himself anyway, and some of the stuff he had heard said about him was outright ridiculous and therefore easy to distance himself from.

This instance was different, however.

In the past, he had only been aware of two possible ways a rumor could get to him; one being if it was about his fellow members, the other being if it affected one of his close friends. A third possibility just presented itself, though, as Sehun received a text from his brother, both asking if he was feeling okay and for clarification on  _ something _ . 

At first, Sehun was confused. Nothing had happened, at least not anything he was aware of, and before returning to work from his break, he shot back a text asking what was even going on. That turned out to have been a mistake. 

Since he hadn’t checked his phone for the last hour of his photoshoot, Sehun was greeted not only by a bunch of texts from his brother, but a few missed calls as well. Because of that, Sehun was beginning to worry that something really serious had happened, and that was how he found himself in the most uncomfortable phone call he had ever had. 

Sehun was at least glad he hadn’t decided to call his brother back before reaching the car supposed to bring him home. Sure, the driver was present, but he would much rather have an audience of one than risk a bunch of people overhearing him trying to dance around the subject of his sexuality as he tried to both deny and also  _ not _ deny what his brother had heard. 

His heartbeat wouldn’t slow down and the longer the conversation went on, the more Sehun felt sick to his stomach. Never had he been so grateful for arriving at the dorms than he was right now, because finally, he had an excuse to hang up. The conversation had apparently affected him enough for even the driver to look concerned now, and Sehun wasn’t even sure what fake reassurance he gave him before stepping out of the car and walking to the front door. No, the only thing he was certain of was that he was freaking out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally managed to produce enough energy to create myself a new tumblr, since I figured some might find it less scary suggesting/requesting fics if they can do so anonymously. You can also just yell at me about kpop in general, all is welcome. I hope everyone’s doing okay out there <3
> 
> Tumblr: https://naturalogre.tumblr.com 
> 
> And again-again, thank you all so much for reading and showing your support! I really started out with just this one idea, but now I have so many more!


	10. Intentions And Doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaa, I’m sorry it took me such a long time to complete this chapter! But I am baack~  
> Hope you enjoy reading this <3

Every person had their limits. That certain line that, when crossed, made everything spiral out of control - or more accurately, broke the illusion that there had ever been control in the first place.

Sehun’s thoughts were racing in all sorts of directions he couldn’t keep track of, and as he opened the front door, took off his shoes and jacket, he felt strangely distant from everything around him. All he could focus on was the phone call.

His brother hadn’t outright expressed that it wouldn’t be okay for Sehun to be gay, but the fact that he felt the need to check up on him told Sehun that maybe it really was something to be ashamed of. It told him that having anyone attach the word gay to you warranted an ‘are you okay?’ afterwards. At least it did in his family.

Sehun didn’t know  _ exactly  _ how they felt because it was something none of them wanted to talk about. Homosexuality existed, of course it did, but in his family, that existence had always been limited to shortened conversations and hushed voices. It was acknowledged, but only silently, then pushed back into the shadows where it could be ignored once again. Maybe that was what would happen with him too, once everyone found out.

Tears formed in Sehun’s eyes at a faster rate than he cared to admit, and he immediately set course for his room with the intention of burying himself in pillows and blankets so he could hide from the world. If anyone else had questions about this, he didn’t want to know. He wanted it to go away, and most of all, he wanted to return to his safe bubble with Junmyeon. 

Sehun was so occupied by his own thoughts that it wasn’t until an unsure “Sehunnie?” sounded from beside him that he realized Minseok was suddenly present. He looked concerned, and with good reason, because Sehun was certain he appeared to have reached some kind of breaking point. Had he? He didn’t know.

There was no response from the younger, although he did try to think of something to say; anything to make the frown on Minseok’s face go away.

“Come here,” the shorter man spoke as he stepped forward, opening his arms to envelop Sehun in a much-needed hug. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Sehun shook his head. He expected his voice would betray him should he choose to speak, so calming down was his first priority. Minseok was aware that Junmyeon wasn’t straight, and rationally, it shouldn’t be a problem that Sehun wasn’t either. Still, it was hard to actually admit to it. 

Minseok wasn’t known to push until it was absolutely required for him to, and Sehun appreciated that. He appreciated the silent comfort the older was able to provide, or the calm words of reassurance he often added once the crying was over. Strangely enough, it was the  _ not _ pushing and the  _ not _ asking any further that made him want to open up. 

“My brother called,” Sehun disclosed after sniffling a few times. He withdrew a hand to wipe at his eyes but remained in Minseok’s embrace with the older’s head pressed to his shoulder. 

“Did something happen in your family?” 

“I thought so, but no, they’re all fine - thankfully… He, uh, he called to ask about me.” Sehun knew his volume only decreased as he spoke, still unsure about whether or not he should even be talking about this or if that would just make him feel worse. Sometimes, talking  _ would  _ help. It would lift the weight off his shoulders or even fix what was wrong, but this wasn’t something he could simply fix by talking about it with the other members. They had no influence over how others were going to react, nor did he.

“Maybe we should go sit down?” Minseok suggested, lightly grabbing ahold of Sehun’s arm to lead him towards the living room once he had agreed. 

Chanyeol was fresh out of the shower, clothed but hair still damp, and as excited as he looked to be seeing Sehun home, that quickly died down when he realized the state the younger was in. 

Minseok sat Sehun down on the couch while Chanyeol hurried to sit next to him. The silence was uncomfortable, especially for Sehun who felt like he was the one tasked with breaking it. 

The maknae didn’t know what to say, even less when Chanyeol wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him against himself in a sort-of hug. Besides not knowing what to say, Sehun also wasn’t entirely sure of how he was feeling. Scared, yes, but was he also sad? Maybe. Being confronted with this at a moment where he wasn’t ready for it certainly felt like a punch in the gut. 

“What did he ask you?” Minseok asked while reaching for Sehun’s hand. The worry on his face was mirrored by Chanyeol, and Sehun once again felt guilty about having kept them in the dark for so long. 

“He heard something - about me - and I guess he just wanted clarification.” Sehun shrugged, even though there was no way he could fool anyone into believing he was fine. The tears kept coming, and he had to rub at his eyes every now and then to not feel like he was drowning in them. 

Sehun could feel Chanyeol tightening his grip around him. “You can’t convince me that everything is fine, not again. You’re crying, even shaking. Sehunnie,  _ please _ tell us what’s wrong.” 

Minseok looked like he was about to warn Chanyeol not to push Sehun too hard, but before he got the chance, the maknae couldn’t keep it in anymore. 

“I’m scared, okay?!” Sehun raising his voice wasn’t intentional, but keeping himself from nearly shouting through his tears felt impossible at this point. Guarding this secret had been way more than enough already, and maybe everything was about to come out whether he wanted it or not. “I… I’m gay. What if that means I’m not welcome anymore?”

When it came to Chanyeol’s reaction, Sehun wasn’t certain of what to expect. Minseok pulling him out of Chanyeol’s arms and into his own for a tight hug was along the lines of what he had predicted, though.

Chanyeol was mostly just quiet while Minseok continuously repeated encouraging words to Sehun and rocked him from side to side.

“You’re welcome here, you always are,” Minseok continued. “And your brother only asked, right? That doesn’t mean he’s not okay with it.”

Sehun nodded into Minseok’s shoulder, but Chanyeol’s silence was beginning to nag at him. Did  _ he  _ have a problem with it or was he merely processing everything?

Finally, Chanyeol decided to say something. “Shit, I’m really sorry for what I said when we were live streaming. That wasn’t-... You’re not crazy for liking men.”

“So that means you’re okay with it?” Sehun turned his head to glance over at Chanyeol who immediately nodded and joined his and Minseok’s hug. 

“Yeah, and if seeing me brings you a thrill of joy, then you have good taste,” Chanyeol joked, earning him the first laugh from Sehun since he had started crying. Even if things were still uncertain with his brother - and his parents who Sehun didn’t even dare to think about right now - this little moment already made him feel better.

There also wasn’t a whole lot he could do, so worrying didn’t serve him any purpose and Sehun was aware of this. From what his brother had told, it sounded like people were speculating amongst each other and piling together various clues to support their theories, so at least he could find a sense of peace in how it wasn’t done with the aim of tearing him down. Likely, the intention hadn’t even been for it to spread on a wider scale. But it had. 

It still bothered Sehun that something like this, something so personal wasn’t even allowed to be his and his alone. He had no say in what others were going to spread about him, and whether or not it was false information didn’t even matter. It would always feel like an invasion of his privacy when he wasn’t the one letting others in on his own terms. 

Minseok’s eyes were studying the younger, and while Sehun was a lot calmer than before, he was sure he still looked like a wreck. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“I don’t know. Slightly better, I think, but… I’m still scared of what will happen.” Sehun was thankful that his thoughts had slowed down, but chaos and questions he needed answered still dominated everything going on in his head. “Is it obvious?” 

“Hm? That you’re gay?” Minseok pursed his lips as he thought, and Sehun almost wanted to tell him to be honest to ensure the older wouldn’t just give him an answer he thought was comforting. “I kind of had a feeling, but you seemed unsure so I didn’t want to push. I figured you would eventually talk about it - when you were ready.” 

Sehun nodded, part of him actually feeling relieved by Minseok’s response despite it also meaning that others would inevitably notice too - that others  _ had  _ noticed. Still, it was nice to once again have it confirmed that they all had each other’s backs. 

“I don’t think it’s obvious,” Chanyeol added. “I just thought you weren’t interested in dating in general. Besides, we’re busy. Most of the time, I don’t think about dating either.” 

Minseok gave Sehun’s body a small squeeze before moving back again. “Are we the only ones who know?” 

“No, Junmyeon-hyung and Baekhyun-hyung know too.”

The mention of Junmyeon brought a smile to Minseok’s face, and Sehun could guess as to why. It meant he hadn’t been entirely on his own, and that he even had someone to relate to. He also had so much more, but Minseok didn’t know that.

“Thank you for telling us too, even though you’re scared - that’s brave. I’m glad you trust us,” Minseok said, his tone soft as usual.

“Thank you, hyung, both of you.” Sehun lifted his hand to dry his eyes again, one last time.

***

Junmyeon returned just a couple of hours after Sehun had, Jongdae at his side as they both entered the house. 

Today was one of those days where he couldn’t help but come home with a sense of pride still lingering from the praise the vocal coach had given him. Even if Junmyeon would always look long enough that everything could suddenly seem littered with too many flaws, he also knew that he’d come a long way - they all had. 

A smile found his lips as his thoughts immediately went to Sehun, because he might be the one to have seen the biggest development of them all. Junmyeon still remembered the shy kid he had initially met, that Sehun wasn't always the tallest between the two, and how the lisp he had been trying to get rid of for years was much more prominent back then. He also remembered watching them all growing confident and comfortable with each other, and he remembered being so happy about it when Sehun no longer seemed unsure of himself around them. 

Maybe he was thinking about Sehun too much, but he had missed the younger all day and couldn’t wait to see him again; to hug and cuddle him, and maybe even kiss him too. 

“Junmyeon-hyung?” Jongdae’s voice interrupted as he appeared to have realized that the older’s mind had slipped off to somewhere other than his words.

“Sorry, just continue,” Junmyeon said with the hope that Jongdae wouldn’t find his behavior strange. His thoughts had been so occupied he wasn't even sure for how long he had been absent in their conversation.

Jongdae simply smiled in response, though, and nudged Junmyeon in the side with his elbow. “What’s got you in such a good mood?”

Junmyeon opened his mouth to speak, but nothing. “Stop looking at me like that,” was all he ended up saying after fighting with his words for too long. Besides, right now he would much rather find Sehun than allow for Jongdae to continue digging for information - because Jongdae for sure would be able to figure  _ something  _ out. 

Before Jongdae could stop his laughing and continue prying, Junmyeon was already on his way towards the room he would soon be sharing with Sehun again. He looked forward to it, especially with how things had been going for them lately.

Admittedly, it had hurt his feelings back when Sehun decided he wanted the room to himself, even though it was only rational he would eventually want his independence as he grew up. Still, Junmyeon viewed their being roommates as something more, something deeper, and when that stopped, he doubted if he had placed some feelings in it that weren’t really there. Now, though, Junmyeon knew that hadn’t been the case. 

The door to Sehun’s room was barely closed, and Junmyeon could hear both Minseok and Chanyeol talking to the younger in what appeared to be attempts at cheering him up. Mostly, that was conveyed in how Minseok spoke; it was the same tone the older would use whenever Junmyeon had pushed himself too hard and needed a shoulder to cry on. 

Without letting his concern grow too fast, Junmyeon pushed the door open when he realized he had stopped in his tracks. Instead, he stepped into the room before it could seem like he had been trying to listen in on their conversation. 

“Hi. Jongdae and I are back.” 

Sehun looked up, and even though Junmyeon could see that he was emotionally drained, his face managed to brighten up about as much as it had that morning. 

“Welcome back,” Minseok greeted before his attention shifted to Jongdae who was also entering the room, questioning why everyone was hiding in there. Junmyeon supposed the most important word in that question was ‘hiding’, because why else would they be talking by themselves away from all of their shared spaces - it wasn’t like they didn’t have enough room. 

Junmyeon wondered if something had happened during the day to make Sehun sad in some way. Of course, he could also just be tired after working hard, but Junmyeon still felt so happy after their shared confession that not even stress had been able to knock the smile off his face. Or, maybe he was simply reading too much into the situation.

Chanyeol brought Junmyeon back to the present when he suddenly stood up and stretched his upper body. Apparently they had agreed to move to the living room now that everyone was starting to come back home, and Junmyeon noted to himself that he had to start paying attention even if he was entirely lovestruck.

Sehun was the last to get up, and instead of following the others out the door, he went directly to Junmyeon and hugged him. Even though most of it likely came from a place of having missed him, Junmyeon still had a gut feeling that something was bothering the younger.

He rested his head against Sehun's shoulder while rubbing circles into his back, and Junmyeon could feel how he breathed out against the top of his head.

"Are you okay?" Junmyeon asked after a while of them just lingering in each other's presence.

"I will be," Sehun said, shortly after followed by a soft kiss to Junmyeon's hair. "And I don't want you to worry about me anymore... I've missed you too much. Let's just go back to how things were this morning?"

Junmyeon let his hands slip from Sehun's back to his arms as he pulled back enough to smile up at him. "Okay, we can do that. Is it my turn or your turn to say 'I love you'?"

Sehun laughed at the comment. "Yours. But I also love you."

"Mm, I love you, my Sehunnie," Junmyeon said before looking back at the door. He had a feeling neither of them were planning on joining the others, so instead of walking out of the room, he walked the few steps it took for him to be able to reach the handle and close it.

Sehun's arms were around him again as soon as he turned back around, and Junmyeon couldn't resist the urge to lean up and kiss him briefly on the lips.

“How was your day?”

Junmyeon leaned into Sehun’s touch. “Really, really good. But it would have been even better if I got to spend all of it with you. I missed you too.” 

“That’s cheesy, hyungie,” Sehun spoke, and Junmyeon could almost hear the grin he assumed was on the younger’s face right now. 

“Maybe, but I can’t really help it around you,” Junmyeon said, a small laugh following his statement. He did feel a little silly for some of his thoughts, but he was sure he could pen Sehun at least a dozen love songs, and perhaps he would. 

Sehun leaned his head down and hid his face against Junmyeon’s shoulder with a small noise that told Junmyeon his words were probably - or definitely - making him feel shy. How he hadn’t fully realized Sehun’s ability to tug at his heartstrings before was beyond him, because the younger was making him feel all sorts of things right now. 

“I love you,” Junmyeon whispered, pressing his lips to the side of Sehun’s face and hugging him even tighter. 

Sehun echoed Junmyeon’s words and decided to abandon his hiding place in favor of initiating another kiss which Junmyeon was more than happy to reciprocate. If responsibility hadn’t compelled him to get out of bed that morning, he could have easily spent hours kissing Sehun. Their lips felt so perfect against each other, and even if impractical, Junmyeon didn’t want to ever let go of Sehun. 

Despite having had an entire day to process the development in their relationship, Junmyeon still felt overwhelmed by how all of this was real. It pushed him to not only crave the intimacy with Sehun because he had missed him, but also because he was now  _ allowed  _ to touch him in this way. He was allowed to tease Sehun with a light tug at his bottom lip, just like the younger was more than welcome to part their lips and deepen the kiss further.

Perhaps it was risky to be kissing like this - even with the door closed someone could still walk in any minute - but Junmyeon couldn’t bring himself to care much right now. He was occupied, swallowed up in his emotions and enjoying himself way too much to stop. 

If it wasn’t for Sehun daring to move things a little further along, Junmyeon would have been content keeping things as innocent as they had been that morning. Instead, he found himself with his back against the door and Sehun pressed firmly against him. 

Junmyeon felt a light tingle against his lips as Sehun hummed out a low giggle, momentarily breaking the kiss to make a remark that was so typically him. 

"Does this mean I can stop calling you hyung?"

Junmyeon wanted to roll his eyes but, pressing his lips to Sehun’s again seemed much more appealing, as did flipping them so Sehun was now against the adjacent wall. “We’ll see,” he murmured back, before allowing himself to get lost in the kiss again. 

Sehun responded with a small noise, though, none with any indication he wasn’t enjoying this as much as Junmyeon was. This was something the both of them could likely get used to doing, at least Junmyeon knew  _ he _ could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being a writer is 90% hurting my own feelings and then 10% slapping bandaids on ‘em afterwards. Also, I like how it took longer for Chanyeol to find out what was actually going on than it took for Sehun and Junmyeon to get together. Is my slowburn tag still allowed? I don’t know at this point lol. 
> 
> So unless my brain decides to not follow my plan and change everything up last minute, the next chapter should be the last one. Therefore, I wanted to ask you guys for prompts, suggestions, and requests for what to work on next, and if you’re not comfy doing that in the comments here, you can also write me on my tumblr (both on and off anon): https://naturalogre.tumblr.com <3
> 
> Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for showing your support! It really means a lot to me ✨


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